Assault On Battery

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Nine: You Can't Bulk-Sell Bullshit

Synergy shows up to Battery Park, and as usual it's Sean who gets weird and overemotional, screaming at us about how Gold Rush is selling to HUNDREDS of the people getting on the ferry and it's putting them in "deep trouble," and I hate it when Sean gets so screamy and dramatic about shit. Charmaine reports the sucking of Synergy to Lee, and Tammy reports the awesomeness of both Gold Rush's brochure and marketing strategy to Allie. They try desperately to sell their inferior product to people who have already bought brochures, and slowly, one by one, realize they are screwed.

Instead of getting the hell out of there and finding another appropriate place to sell them -- for example, at nearby hotels, tourist-package sellers, or other entry points that aren't Battery Park -- Andrea suggests that they get on the ferry and try selling at the museum. Where all the people who have just told them no, because they already have Rush programs, are headed. So stupid. Roxanne resists for a sec, but finally they agree to follow this stupid plan. It's self-selected, the demo at the museum, and it's a target, but they're looking for a percentage of a percentage, with no outside foot traffic. This is appalling. The Venn diagram is appalling. Everybody there is the kind of person who would buy a program, but they've already been asked at least once, and have made the decision already, and aren't going to be buying twice even if they said yes the first time. And it's on a literal fucking island, so it's not like there will be people there about whom this is not true just showing up. You're locking yourself in a room with Eskimos. Stupid. Junior points out that they are stupid and "may not get the full benefit," given the above. (In all honesty, he's the one that made me realize how stupid this actually is, because I was more concerned with the demographic.) This, now, is the time for a Big Idea, a complete change of venue, something really creative and unexpected. This is the time for the Project Manager to say, "Oh fuck. Everybody in the van." And you keep waiting, and it never comes.

On the island, everybody's embarrassing. Allie: "Did you already buy this same one? Because there are two?" Dumb. Sean: Wearing a fucking fanny pack, screaming, all frustrating and obnoxious and yelling and ugly and stupid and awful. "Oh, lovely," he whines. Michael: reading quotes from their book aloud and being obnoxious.

Meanwhile, Coldwell Banker calls Charmaine and she sells an extra 100 programs for $85. She and Lee are very happy together, and Lee is very self-congratulatory but not annoying about how they are "thinking different, thinking smart." I like to see Lee and Charmaine playing nice, just because they are so, so deeply weird with each other most of the time. Lee refers to "his" risk having turned into a "huge reward" for the team, and takes the ego to the roof about how Synergy has been "owning" them but now, thanks to the great idea he somehow forced Charmaine to have, he is leading Gold Rush out of the desert and into the sunshine and it's only a matter of time before they elect him PM in perpetuity.

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