Assault On Battery

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Lesson Nine: You Can't Bulk-Sell Bullshit

A very creepy statue of a drowning man is lapped by waves. It's a cool idea, for a sculptor, but weird in context. It's a symbol of Allie, only instead of the harbor water, it's blood. She sucks at selling people on the "wonderful story" and the "emotional rollercoaster" that their ugly brochure represents, but not as bad as Andrea is at interacting with human beings. We see her selling and selling, and it's a three step process: (1) Andrea approaches a family. (2) They get one look at her clacking heels, intense eye sockets, anger lines, and malnourished vegan frame, assume she's a docent or park ranger and they've been caught doing something awful -- touching the art or stealing memorabilia -- and turn bright red. (3) She yell-mumbles at them about something or another having to do with giving her some cash, without friendliness or human emotion her voice. (4) They decline fearfully, still on a fight/flight high from when they thought she was five-oh. (5) Repeat. Allie interviews about how in every task, Andrea sucks at selling or schmoozing people, but doesn't turn that critical eye on herself and wonder why the fuck she would ever delegate that task to Andrea. Junior watches as the group continues to melt down. Solid to liquid to gas to plasma -- there is no rock-bottom to their sucking. Andrea randomly mentions that she is a "bulk sales" expert and Allie wonders why the hell she didn't tell them that to begin with, and that's when Allie decides to blame their assured failure this week on Andrea, regardless of what happens. It's pretty much fair dinkum, to me: yeah, Allie's being a shitty manager, and they would lose regardless of Andrea. But on the other hand, there hasn't been a phase of this task, from research to production to sales strategy, that Andrea hasn't willfully fucked up in the last 24 hours. Or almost any other task, really. And if Andrea had come up with the "bulk sales" idea yesterday, like Charmaine did, they would never have gone to the island in the first place, because it's a better idea (which value Lee managed to basically ruin, on GR). So I think the failure lies ultimately in Andrea not stepping up at the beginning of the task and offering her actual skills, because she was too busy tooting her horn about her many other expertise-level areas of skill, which turned out to be imaginary. In other news: last chance to vote! Meaningless sweepstakes results to be announced live!

Into the Boardroom! Man, Junior makes the same exact milquetoasty face as his dad. So damned unattractive. Trump would like to start by asking his son Donald how he liked being a Viceroy. He thought it was different. Aren't the Apprenti "good, smart people"? They are. Thanks for the input, Junior. Ivanka, as usual, loves the whole process, because she's wonderful and gets why it's such a cool show, and she says it was even more fun with her brother around this time. Aww. Trump asks Allie how they did, and she admits they've "done better on other tasks, Mr. Trump." Tarek and Lee gloat and have a make-out sleepover as Allie says she's lacking "that confident feeling" that she usually has coming into the Boardroom. I like that idea, I like that she said that. He asks what the problem was, and she says straight-up that the problem was sales, and that Andrea's always been weak in that area. Andrea jumps like she's been stabbed, and I've already said why I love her in the Boardroom, but she's such a limp dick through the rest of the episode that I'm not even going to remark. Roxanne agrees that Andrea is not as strong "in Sales" as the rest of the team. Trump asks if it isn't true that Andrea has been "the star" for the last four weeks. Where the fuck did he get that idea? I love Andrea, I do, and I think she's good at what she does, and that it has nothing to do with this show -- I'm an ardent supporter, still -- but where the fuck did he get that idea? They disabuse him of that notion, with a quickness, and Andrea says she's "shocked" by this. Drug abuse is a terrible societal ill, and you know I'm very seriously involved in our nation's war on drugs, but as part of the research I've done in this area, I'm willing to posit the following cocktails in order to explain Andrea's behavior from this point on:

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