Apprentice
Back To School

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Lesson Seven: If You Can't Say Anything Well…

An awesome montage of classic timepieces reminds us of the Corporate Weasel Death Watch that's been going on since last week. The three members of Excel who actually did something of value last week -- Marshawn, Rebecca, and Brian -- hang out and discuss how many of their team will be returning. Marshawn sees it, as she sees everything, as an opportunity to fine-tune her strategy. Rebecca and Brian agree on their intuition that at least two people will be returning to the suite, but she shushes him once he starts to speculate on whom he thinks this will be -- the walls have toadlike, virgin, stripper, or gay ears. Oh, man. Excel is the saddest bunch ever. Rebecca keeps giving Brian these very sexy, very hilarious super-spy looks through her bangs as she's shushing, like she's Carmen Sandiego and he's about to blab where the Seavers hid the microfilm.

Time passes. A flower opens into full bloom, thrives with the miracle of photosynthesis, and slowly withers and dies. The whole group of survivors is sitting around the gorgeous kitchen table, wearing their casual Death Watch outfits -- Randal is wearing sleeveless workout gear. Fade to everybody turning as one to stare at the door. Felisha pretends to bite her nails like she's typewritering a giant ear of corn, or chowing down a redwood. She's kind of adorable, you guys. I've been enjoying her little faces all along, but she goes all out with the cartoonery this week. I bet she's a lot more fun when there's no Alpha Blonde. Fade again, this time to Clay tidying up alone. Fade to the door, doing nothing. The sun circles, circles over glaciers moving majestically across the world and icecaps slowly melting into the sea. Last week, imagining this whole scenario playing out was fairly hilarious, but I forgot how boring it would be to actually be there. Which we...are.

Pangaea splits apart and forms continents, which eventually blossom with life. Time passes: In the living room, Alla notifies everyone that at midnight, she's "declaring them done." Adam, looking tired, eats some ice cream, and it's pretty cute because it's way past bedtime plus he gets to eat ice cream. Time passes: Brian is falling asleep sitting up, and the remains of the Bloven are cuddling. Alla finally breaks the silence. "There's no way they'd come back at midnight. Holy shit!" Brian looks lost and really quite attractive staring into space, telling us first that it's been "seven hours" and that Josh and the guys are his "brothers," then again at eight hours that "you might as well give up." Everybody goes to bed. The Grand Canyon happens not all at once, but slowly, over time, as a river wears its way into the world. Even Michael Rapaport stands upright, roaming, developing tools, hunting and gathering, becoming agrarian, inventing sexism, becoming agricultural, inventing the Roomba. Becky Conner goes like this: Lecy Goranson, Lecy Goranson, Sarah Chalke, Lecy Goranson.

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Apprentice

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