Apprentice
Back To School

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Lesson Seven: If You Can't Say Anything Well…

Plus, plus the fact that I take severe issue with the idea that Trump is speaking with any kind of authority about sex. He's had intercourse, yes, and it's cost him a lot, but -- do you honestly think Trump enjoys sex qua sex? Do you think that's where it stops, for him? He's the guy Viagra was invented for, because for him sex equals a whole lot of stuff that has nothing to do with sex and a whole lot to do with making his dead father happy and a bunch of other gross stuff, and probably getting peed on. Trump doesn't have sex, he masturbates using another person. I'm sorry if this paragraph blew your mind, but I wasn't the one that crossed the line here, and it's about ten times ickier that he's trying to get Adam to sign onto this fake idea of sex that he doesn't even actually care about except as a signifier of stuff we already knew about him.

Carolyn giggles disgustedly and thinks about how later on, after dinner at the Club, she's going to go home and sit on a big-ass pile of money. Even Markus is like, is this actually happening? It goes on. "You'll probably be there, in some respects I hope that you are, because there's nothing like it." I don't even know what he means by all this, but I feel violated. Adam says quietly, "Thank you very much," then pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head forty-six times. Trump turns to Markus: "Markus, you talk too much. You talk in riddles! And for this task, you didn't do a very good job." Markus thinks he did "an outstanding job," but couldn't tell you why. "Part of your problem," Trump ruminates, and everyone braces for more scary, crazy, gross-out talk, "is that you always have an excuse. And you can't shut up." True that.

Back to the case not at all at hand: "Clay, I really believe that you are not anti-Semitic. I felt very relieved when Adam said he believed you were not anti-Semitic, because you've gone through a lot being gay, and you've gone through your own form of discrimination." Please email me if you can explain that comment to me. Apparently Clay gets what he's talking about, because his response, which is safe as houses and relates to Trump's crazy talk, is this: "Nobody deserves to be discriminated against." A tiny star shoots across the screen and we see the NBC logo and the slogan, "You'll probably be there, in some respects I hope that you are," and David Hyde Pierce says softly, "There's nothing like non-discrimination. And that's one to grow on." Trump continues awesomely: "Nevertheless, you did a horrible job and that wasn't good."

He swings back to Adam, who flinches a tiny bit. "Adam. You're very soft. You're young, you're inexperienced -- I don't know if you deserve to go on." Adam responds, and I flinch a little bit: "I do and I'd like to prove to you that I am not soft. I do have a hard core, and I can do those negotiations," and basically he's a huge, rock-hard asset to the Trumpanies. This is all very Miss Tyra, how he's all, "In my hands I have photos of two beautiful girls, but three of you stand before me" and making them wait so he can tell them why they're all fuck-ups. Finally, he gets to Markus. "Look, the problems that we've got with Markus: so many words! So much talk! So much nonsense! Not getting to the point!" are all the issues that make Mr. Trump feel that he would never, in a million years, no matter how hard up he was, ever want to work with Markus. Which is like the truest and best reason he's ever given for a firing: "I hate being around you, so why would I invite you to spend time with me?" He fires Markus, and Adam's like, "Buh-mwahh?" and Clay's adrenaline high is such that I don't think he's really noticing much of what's going on, just trying to get his lip to stop shaking.

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Apprentice

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