Apprentice
Back To School

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Jacob Clifton: A | 2 USERS: A+
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Lesson Eleven: Don't Share Bitches
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previous to the show, a very gay man hops around on the set of Deal Or No Deal, having won something or another. In other words, I still don't get that show. I do know that the next hour will contain more gay hopping around than I've ever seen in one place.

Previously on the show, Sean said that a Synergy loss was Allie's fault, even though everybody including Allie's Dark Lords agreed that it was Andrea's. If you don't remember that happening, it's because it was literally fifty years ago, on The Sparkle-Fresh Dish Soap Business And Variety Hour, now in syndication on Nick at Nite. Then last week, Charmaine and Tarek were both eliminated for the right reasons, and between the two of them I lost anyone to root for this season, because all that's left is the smarmy, a passel of well-intentioned dorks, and some closet cases. Upstairs, Roxanne was scraping nopales while Allie looked broken and rough and scraped...leeks? Asparagus? Some kind of stalked foodstuffs I wasn't paying attention to. Spooky music was playing as Allie complained about Sean to Tammy and Roxanne, with Sean in sleazy earshot. Tammy tried to take his part, but Roxanne replied that she "could give a shit about him at this point." Roxanne is cool. Sean listened and whimpered to himself in another room as Roxanne explained to Tammy that all this "team spirit" stuff would be better off in a speech to Sean himself, since he was the one that didn't fall in line with their group assassination of Andrea. Which normally, that's coven talk, except that he had no comprehensible reason to do it beyond his apparently complete lack of any sense of self. Having had enough of that, Sean storms into the kitchen forcefully and...sulks and makes sad faces, and is ignored. He interviews that there's "an awkwardness" due to him not backing Allie in the Boardroom fifty years ago. Cut, and cut, and cut: Sean making sad-clown faces in a variety of locations, nobody caring. Between him and Lee I could punch somebody, my God. Could you be authentic for like two seconds?

Lee and Michael return and tell them what happened. When Lee enters he yells, "Two-for-one special!" which is his special way of saying it was a double cobra. And which he's been thinking up since they got on the elevator, and just couldn't wait to say. Allie hugs them and feels just terrible; Roxanne yells, "Holy crap!"

Roxanne lectures Tammy in the bedroom about how Sean needs to apologize to Allie, and hasn't, even though what he did to her was "sickening!" Sean rolls about in his lush featherbed and feels put upon. He interviews, hysterical, that he's been feeling like he's "Adrift!" In a sea of "'Istrogen'!" (Note: "Cooties" are made up. They are an urban myth. Gross me right the fuck out.) Roxanne continues to bitch about how it's not that Allie's her friend, but just that whatever, she's perfect and it bothers her when people aren't as perfect as she is. Sean rolls around indolently some more and finally cries out into the air that he doesn't want them to talk anymore, but that they are the pea under his mattress because he's too busy feeling patronizing and making love to his lack of accountability or manhood to actually talk to them directly about it. Trump Tower must be fucking pimp if this entire conversation is going on through the walls. That's quality, right there. He wants them to stop having the conversation that they're having, and have it tomorrow, when he's not feeling quite so tender and kittenish. Roxanne shouts that they're not talking to him, and he says that they are being so loud it's going in his "earhole." I would like to stick a mechanical pencil in his earhole. Click, click, click.

"Roxanne, baby, I need to work with you on a lot of other tasks before..." Roxanne doesn't blink at the "baby," but asks him why the hell he's being so ass-kissy with her when it's Allie he utterly attacked and savaged and destroyed. The unbelievable drama of being locked in this show for eleven weeks. Usually this is my favorite part of the season on any reality show, when they just completely forget what life is like on the outside, and go just a tad bit nuts. I love those Colonial and Regency House shows on PBS so people can go on thinking they're too good for reality TV because they're "learning" "something," because there's a point every season where the people just start letting flies crawl around on their faces and they don't even notice, and I love that so much. In this show, the flies are not literal (although the smell is the same), so you have to assume the flies. But it's the same thing. Like on Survivor when every other word starts being "alliance" or how they stop talking English about halfway through Big Brother and just communicate in mumbles and grunts and chuckles and twin language. What is better than that? So then there's a stupidly fake and fakely stupid edit where the dialogue of the women starts to overlap and sound like squawking chickens and you can't even really understand them anymore, while poor, poor Sean rolls around in bed like Orestes, clutching a pillow. Finally, he puts in ear plugs, because that's what you do when women are talking. There's a "hilarious" edit of him in bed with the plugs in, and Allie's voice over it: "Sean? Sean?"

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Apprentice

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