Apprentice
Back To School

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Jacob Clifton: A | 2 USERS: A+
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Lesson Eleven: Don't Share Bitches

Cut to Lee and Sean shooting hoops, bitching about Michael -- who's primping in a mirror, and that's what we call "the gander" -- and how he didn't sell, he was just on the mic. Sean says it was narcissistic ("I'm on the microphone! I'm doing a show!"), but I can't help thinking about how he was the shitty presenter for like every Synergy task and always did the same thing, so don't throw microphones in a narcissistic house, basically. Then he gives interview, and I'm going to level with you: Sean's speech in these has become so sharp and painful to the ear, so anima-possession harsh and harpyish, with the horrible voice and his stupid face, that I had to start hitting mute on them. But my razor-sharp recapping instincts tell me he's most likely bitching about Michael, though. If he said anything really meaningful and insightful or interesting in any way, let me know, 'kay?

Michael comes to Sean with this creepy, breathy, intense voice and pauses between every word, about how "as you know" the "question" is...going to be asked...who should be fired. Sean's like, what do you want me to say? He interviews, and from his left-then-right gestures in the blessed silence, I think he's saying it's stupid to come to him when there are three people on the team, because it's like, either you're the one or not, and I'm not going to be honest about it, because you'll come out swinging, so what are you, stupid? Which I think is the right thing to say; I just can't say for sure if that's what he was saying. Michael gets very sibilant and scary and intense in Sean's face about "I was on that mic! I wasn't selling! We didn't have a sales force! You were the only one selling!...I don't think Lee did a good job!" Michael interviews, and it's clear he's already in the weeds from the weirdness of his syntax: "It's Lee's fault...he didn't set us on a right path. The strategy was flawed from the beginning. We ended up throwing a great party instead of taking the food to the people...and selling the food." Except Lee and Sean...sold. So basically your complaint is that you didn't have the exact same strategy as the other team, which is a stupid complaint. Do the math. $2750 divided by Synergy is $900 and change. $1700 divided by Sean and Lee is? Almost $900. You know? I won't miss him at all, this Michael. Too weird, too retentive, too scary of the talking. He goes to Lee and stutters and hisses and ass-kisses him about "the questions are asked" and he doesn't want Lee to take it personally when he blames Lee, even though it will be incomprehensible when he does so. Lee's like, "Whatever." Because in Lee's mind, he's already fired Michael himself. And he's right, as usual. It's not his business sense, or his game sense, that I hate: it's the way he is. That's all. "This is my first time losing as Project Manager," he smarms to us. "A cat only has nine lives...and I'm about to use my eighth one!" YOU ARE NOT A CAT, YOU ARE A PANTS-PISSING, PRECOCIOUS CHILD. Drop the aphorisms and say what you actually mean.

27% Allie, 21% Roxanne, 20% Lee. Again, no idea why any of this. I guess because voting was cut off before the results were announced, so nobody could tell that Allie was actually going to win. This show hasn't been this unpredictable for a while. That's a pretty cool thing about this episode of kind of cool things mixed into the Bakhtin Word Jumble of Horror and Nasty Stuff.

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Apprentice

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