Apprentice
Back To School

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Jacob Clifton: A | 2 USERS: A+
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Lesson Eleven: Don't Share Bitches

But first, Synergy goes to Outback to sample the foods they'll be selling, ostensibly so it won't be "disingenuous," per Roxanne, when they sell the food. Actually, though, it's so they can be incredibly fucking disingenuous making visual love to course after course of delicious, amazing, orgasmic Outsteak and Deep-Fried Onion Crap and Chowder and whatnot. They eat the food. They eat the food. They continue to eat the food. It's like more creepy porn. The food they're shoving into their cute little faces is "delicious," "so delicious," has "zing," and is "delicious." I think Roxanne's being snarky when she growls ferally into the camera with a hilarious crazy face: "The food was grrrrrreat!!!!" They eat the food. They all moan, and eat the food and make fake faces and orgasm noises. Allie says in that sales voice: "If we can't sell this, we can't sell!" Shudder.

Michael does his weird talking about the invite, and he and Lee give Sean quite a drubbing for his use of the word "whilst" in the language. "This isn't Shakespeare!" And while on one level, this is about linguistic difference pond-wise, the real point is that they're continuing the conversation from before. Since none of them know what men are actually like, they're coming to a decision that men do not use the word "whilst," because using the word "whilst" is basically the same as putting on a cheerleader costume. But that's the not the worst, most bone-chilling part; the worst part is that, given the facts about Michael and Sean, the alpha dog tiara goes to Lee, which is just mind-bending. At least when they were checking with Tarek every five seconds it made sense, because at least Tarek made a convincing man. Especially by comparison. But without Tarek, it's a curious mix of blind fumbling, gay jokes, and Lee giving the nod. And that's really fucking rough to watch. Michael calls up the cheerleading coach at Rutgers and gets her to agree that Gold Rush will have exclusive access to the cheerleading squad and dance team. They all dance around and make out. Sean shrieks, "Steak and Scantily-Clad Fetish Objects! Steak and Scantily-Clad Fetish Objects!" Lee yells about how "that was huge" because whilst Synergy has three "good-looking girls," Lee now has ownership of "forty of them!" He says it's going to be a bloodbath, and they all giggle and snuggle and act like retards.

Roxanne and Tammy head to Kinko's for the flyers, while Allie goes to campus to talk to the cheerleading coach. She looks...insane. She's wearing a cute black dress, but her hair looks like she just crawled out of a wind tunnel -- in Uzbekistan -- and she's making creepy demonic faces. Maybe it's a cheerleader thing. The coach, a cute blonde, tells Allie about the exclusivity deal with GR, but says that in "all fairness to the University," not to mention blonde ex-cheerleader solidarity, she wants to split the teams now for both tents. They hug goodbye as Allie interviews about her background in cheerleading back in Florida, and how they "bonded." I'm not saying girls aren't weird, I'm just saying this episode is ALL ABOUT how weird boys are, and in such a way and to such a degree that it almost makes up for last week.

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Apprentice

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