Apprentice
Back To School

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Jacob Clifton: A | 2 USERS: A+
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Lesson Eleven: Don't Share Bitches

Homecoming Week! A marching band plays in a courtyard, Gold Rush passing flyers. Allie, fresh from being lied to in her face by the cheerleading coach, sees them and freaks. There's footage of Allie, the boys, Allie, all trying to get the word out. Lee tells some guy that the yellow tent "sucks," which was pretty awesome. Some dumb college boys tell Allie how much they love steak, they want steak, and she's like, "Yellow lot. Repeat after me," and they're like we know, we know. "...But we get steak?" She walkies to Roxanne and Tammy about how Rush already has their flyers out and they're on campus, and as they're talking Allie overhears a DJ talking about how there are "money and prizes" to be found at the blue tent, and screams cutely into the phone: "You don't even know what I just heard!" Roxanne listens to them clearly giving all kinds of publicity to the blue tent, and Allie takes off to get the guy to announce the yellow tent also, and then there's a long, awesome, long long shot of Roxanne staring into space with her mouth hanging open, in the van, with her phone still flipped open, the letters OMG like a halo over her lovely head. It's hilarious and so relatable. I'm altogether very conflicted about Roxanne, because I like her virtue and how it has cracks in it, and how she seems to be very sure of herself...but the cult-susceptible behavior makes me think that's not half as true as I think it is. I want to be friends with her, that's for sure, so I guess I like her, but this isn't a popularity contest. It's a game show about making sure you tune in each week, that itself doesn't really care who wins, except wanting you to talk about who wins, so you'll tune in next season.

Whilst Lee and Sean are at the pep rally, Michael meets with the cheerleading coach lady. "Just so you know," she says, "I had told you originally that we would be exclusive to your group..." Yes, he hisses like a freak. "Afterward, I met with Allie, and told her I would send a couple of people there." He nods spookily and says he has "no problem with that" because he "absolutely" knows where she's coming from, and he "understands fairness," and thinks it's fine to send Synergy "one or two" Short-Skirted And Bouncy Fetish Objects. He says he needs to check with his Project Manager, and interviews with us that he "felt compassion" for the coaches, and (note this for later) openly thinks that there's no problem with sending "one or two" Skimpy-Suited Fetish Objects over to Synergy. "What will one or two" of them do? "Nothing, really." He walkies to Lee and Sean, saying that there were bad feelings about the exclusive deal, and that he told the coach they'd "reconsider." Lee tells him to shove it back up the chicken with a swiftness, and Michael whines about how couldn't they do one or two as a "sign of good faith?" Lee and Sean shake their heads, agreeing that this is a pussy move, and Sean screeches into the phone about how "we have been losing" even though he's been on the team five seconds, and "no, just no" in this condescending tone, and hangs up. Then he interviews some stupid shit about "grow some balls" and "phone her back, you wanker!" There is more shadowboxing. I cannot even watch his interviews with the sound on anymore. He's just too horrible. The voice and that clockstopper face and the shuddery fakeness of everything he says. For someone with no internal direction or...any qualities, of any kind, the violence with which he champions the feelings and thoughts of everyone else would be a lot less sickening if he didn't do it with such flair and pizzazz and jazz hands and spirit fingers and self-satisfaction.

Coach calls her BFF Allie to apologize for lying to her feral, insane face earlier, but there will be no Objects available for them. Roxanne expresses disappointment, and interviews that "watching the [Objects] spill through [their] fingers just stinks," and that their sales could suffer. Allie tells everybody about this great thing her dad taught her, over a bowl of Grape-Nuts, that's often called "denial," in which they just doublethink their way out of depression and pretend that Gold Rush doesn't even exist! And that makes the bad feelings go away! (Girlfriend is scary! I told you!) They pull up to a light and outside their van -- this is frankly gorgeous -- GR has got all of Fraternity Row screaming "BLUE! LOT! BLUE! LOT!" and "YELLOW LOT SUCKS!" It's amazing. That might be the best moment of this season, just this tidy little WASP-y "pretend this isn't happening," while outside the van the whole world is screaming "YELLOW LOT SUCKS!" The ladies in the van are like, "Fuck."

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