Apprentice
Back To School

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Jacob Clifton: A | 2 USERS: A+
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Lesson Eleven: Don't Share Bitches

Commercials. Public firing squad votes: Lee at 26%, nice; Allie at 24% for some reason ["because references to 'girl power' are fatuous and tired, even on the rare occasions when they're backed up?" -- Sars]; Sean at a paltry 18%. Now, there's no reason to go on for three pages about a commercial, unless there's a point, and this week there really isn't, but in brief: "There's a secret in tonight's GE 'ecomagination' commercial! What is it? Record it and see!" Now, I had my skepticisms. Is there really a secret? Is the secret that it's part of the war machine? That "ecomagination" is retarded and the opposite of what it means and kind of evil? Like how buying a Ford Hybrid makes Kermit happy? Nope, it's just overwhelmingly stupid. The commercial itself involves a CGI elephant dancing around in a rain forest while lots of animals watch it dance in the rain forest. I think the point is that General Electric makes life-giving rain, and not bombs like we thought. Now that's ecomagination! "Imagine that your grandchildren won't get cancer in grade school!" "Imagine that when your husband comes back from Iraq he won't have strange syndromes and unexplainable chronic pain!" "Imagine that Outback Steakhouse never killed a tree!" So anyway, if you pause it and frame-by-frame it, out of some kind of end-of-season self-destructive recapper masochism, there's a one-second flipbook of frames that are basically like the actor bios in a DVD extra: The elephant was in teenage porn. The flamingos were a discredited vaudeville couple. This is so stupid. The gecko is a performance artist. The end. I did not make that up. Please send nasty things to NBC.

In their van, Synergy dresses up as Scantily-Clad Fetish Objects, since they don't have any Scantily-Clad Fetish Objects to pimp. How is that different from Ivana shaking her shapely ass for chocolate? Roxanne tells us that this is so great because the three of them "always figure out a way to use our Girl Power to win! Win! Win!" This is Girl Power in a very third-wave sense, and I approve only in the same way that I approved of Ivana, which is that men are dumb and will give you money. And if it's no skin off your ass, go for it. Shame about that is just another thing Trump wants women to feel so they'll stay small, and that's one to grow on. Over Roxanne's latest Girl Power Rebel Yell, Allie futzes in the van: "I just put my pants on backwards..." Cute!

Lee and Sean talk about how the cash booth is "so student," and Lee interviews smarmily about how "amazing-amazing" it's going to be. Dude, I just remembered how last night I dreamed that I accidentally got spoiled that he was in the Final Two, and I was mentally composing my resignation letter to Sars when I remembered it was a dream. The power of hate just kicked that memory loose! So funny. The game starts, and there is screaming, and there is Fetish Object Synchronized Movement out in Blue Lot, and Michael is on the mic, droppin' weirdness about Scantily-Clad Fetish Objects and the food, and there's lots of food, and people eating, Sean snagging people and Lee selling food and somebody doing the cash-grab game, and more food, and Michael doing nothing, steak, steak, steak, and you know what? Kinda craving Outback, right about now. I'm kidding, of course. I just had some Arby's a couple hours ago.

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Apprentice

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