Back To School

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 2 USERS: A+
Lesson Eleven: Don't Share Bitches

Tammy is selling her ass off, and Roxanne and Carolyn have a little meeting about how great things are going, and how everything is $5, and that's so great, and Tammy tells one family they'll deliver their order to them as Allie sells to a group of baseball players. They make her do this Rutgers chant, of which she grasps a surprising amount on her first try, but still stumbles enough on it that it's adorable to the guys. Cut to Roxanne being tackled by a very excited Allie, who tells her she just sold $200 to a single group. Roxanne interviews that the delivery idea is what will win them the task, should they win. (Remember the Weekly Wisdom? That's funny, right?)

Michael takes Polaroids of other sad boys with the Scantily-Clad Fetish Objects, yells into the mic about this or that, and generally just fucks around. Like he does on every task. Lee sells and sells, screaming at one person, "ARE YOU EATING?" and then screaming at Michael to try and sell something for this sales task. He interviews that once you get the crowd there, you have to sell things to them.

Meanwhile, something awesome happens. It's small, but I really like it. Allie goes to another tailgating group, and produces the Rutgers chant for them on the first try, and the reason that I love that is that she's totally using her cheerleading skills to win the task. I mean, think about that. That's some Kristy Swanson shit right there, using your cheerleading kicks to defeat vampires and shit. I love that so much. Cheerleading is an ugly thing, from one side of the mirror -- showing your ass as football Viagra -- but of all the many life lessons I've learned from Bring It On, of which there are literally thousands, the number-one thing that I learned is that cheerleading actually has nothing to do with that, and it's like this huge joke that the young women of America have been playing on the men and boys of America, for decades at this point, because in fact cheerleading is a sport, but the men and boys never actually see them practicing the sport. And if you ever meet a professional one, like a "we went to nationals" one, you'll notice the unmistakable scariness and intensity of an athlete all over them. So anyway, one of the things that you do in cheerleading is memorize long, stupid chants and then remember and shout them at the drop of a hat, and that's what Allie does here, and it earns her sales. This episode is kind of my hero. It's like the violent younger sister of the roofie-eyed thug last week.

So Roxanne watches Allie do this grand, small thing, and they run back to Yellow Lot, and Roxanne's like, "You have magic powers!" and they giggle, and Tammy continues to charm the ass off everyone that comes near the tent, and Roxanne interviews about how they will win, if they win, because they all "worked hard together."

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