Apprentice
Backs Against The Wal-Mart

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Twelve: Use Your Words
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously, Carolyn was finding Michael's protestations of fairness stupid, which they were. Upstairs, Roxanne was antsy about who would be coming back. Tammy pointed out that Sean had already won once as PM. Roxanne wished aloud that they'd all be fired, because after all, "anything's possible." Downstairs, Trump hated that Michael would even admit the possibility of giving up a "prime asset" like tits and ass, and then fired Michael and told his teammates, Lee and Sean, that they are also lousy.

Roxanne screams, "Y'all! Y'all! Y'all!" as lousy Lee and smarmy Sean return to the suite, and there are huge hugs all around. Lee does his best to ruin the moment, as usual, by pointing out how crazy and "different" it is to go into the Boardroom as the losing Project Manager, rather than a pawn or sacrificial lamb, and Allie's like, "Uh huh," but then Roxanne encourages that kind of talk by remarking that Trump must really like him. Lee gives himself the homework of "winning a couple at least," and Roxanne toasts the "Fabulous Final Five." Fabulous. There's a word.

Credits. Such wasted opportunity. I don't know if it's the editing or what, but I keep feeling like this season, we never actually saw what anybody could actually do. We got to see Andrea's good and bad stuff, and all that Brent had to offer I think, but Tarek? Dan? I feel like Charmaine got the even treatment, for what it was worth, and I feel like the people that are left are playing with all their decks on shout, but it just seems so wasteful. Was it like this last season? I don't feel like I was; when I look back I feel a lot more respect for those people, even Adam and superstud77, than I might have thought at the time. It's a shame.

Trump starts this shit with a few declarations about how he "loves" working with Microsoft and Wal-Mart, two of the "best" companies in the world. And I know it's Trump, and he's coming from a bottom-line place, and he likes piles of money, but I mean: don't say shit like that. "Of all the serial killers, the best and the ones I have to love most are Gacy and Myra Hindley. They stepped up and got it done." "The best massacres have got to be Mai Le and the Killing Fields. Say what you want about Pol Pot; he delegated and he never lost sight of the bottom line." "That Sandra Lee, she keeps an eye on price points and she's got a killer figure."

Bill and Ivanka this week, which is exciting, meet us at the Donald J. Trump Watch Showroom, also exciting, for the next debrief. This is a Room for the Showing of Watches, named after one "Donald J. Trump." Weep with me. Trump lets us know that these watches are hot sellers and then segues to the task: create an interactive "display environment," "hopefully as nice as what we've done" with the watches, for Microsoft's Xbox 360 to be located in Wal-Mart stores. Three bars so low they could be Special Olympics hurdles. Meet Jay of Microsoft and Stephen of Wal-Mart, who'll be deciding the winners. And in case you weren't horrified enough by this business, Trump cries out like a cat in the night that the two vile companies together are worth over half a trillion dollars. Bring in De Beers and the resulting hat trick of evil would cause Trump Tower to be sucked down into the Hellmouth for the delight of Allie's underworld masters.

Rush Time! Sean writes a ten-minute love letter to the Xbox, boilerplate from every other product placement orgasm of his we've ever had to sit through, and then tells us he's "decided to step up as Project Manager" due to the "flowing" of his "juices." Where they are flowing is his chin. Ivanka arrives, and he delivers his collection of Xbox love sonnets to her again, with Lee playing backup on accordion, until Ivanka agrees to perform the ceremony so that Sean can finally just marry the fuckin' Xbox. Their actual concept is clever, because Lee (and I think maybe Sean) knows what he's doing: "360 Degrees of Interactivity," with all the different stations. Ivanka says the idea "is a good one," but that the task will "hinge upon their ability to bring this all together." I wish that were true, but the other team screws the pooch in such a non-AKC approved manner that it will actually just come down to concept qua concept. Rusher One and Rusher Two scream at two different teams of signage guys about their amazing ideas. One is the tragic Adrian, whom we'll get to know pretty well, who's doing the circular floor and ceiling panels (with the green Xbox swirl), and another guy the ill-fated wrap to go around the whole setup. Adrian promises the floor and ceiling by midnight, and Lee pats himself on the back for us about how they managed their time by outsourcing all the components to "printing professionals." I'm impressed, I really am. At the risk of repeating myself: Lee is the best person here. He's just also, unfortunately, the worst person here, and not in a way that I think means he's a good businessman. He wants a good smacking, one just hard enough that it won't knock loose his prodigious skill.

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Apprentice

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