Apprentice
Bedazzled By A Beefy T

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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Fifty years, and it's come to this
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on We're Not Gay, Sir!: A Staples task had Alex and Bren designing a desk with topless drawers (not dirty!), and caused conflict within Magna over the topic of file folders. Yes, file folders. Yes, really. Also, Craig and Kendra hated each other. Ultimately, Staples decided that one desk per cubicle is usually enough and gave the victory to Magna, sending Alex and Bren, who were Best Friends Forever, to the Boardroom to chew on each other. Alex: "RAR!" Bren: "Whatever." Trump: "You both suck. You're both fired, but Alex, you will have to wait your turn to actually leave, so Bren, you can go now." Four candidates left, all of whom have now done better than Troy -- something I simply can't stop mentioning. Who won't make it to the interviews?

Evening. New York City. Backwards reflect-y stock ticker. Cabs. Steam. The ceremonial washing of the dark sidewalk. The ceremonial menacing of the lone jogger. 56th and 5th. Up in the L-Pal, we look at Magna's portrait gallery, and we pause to linger over the shots of Bren and Alex, which truly make them look like the grimy tools they are, which is why I love the people who make this show. Craig is shining his shoes, as he does, and he's got that pick in his hair again. Tana and Kendra are chatting, and Tana says she doesn't expect the fellas to take each other apart too viciously. Kendra isn't so sure. Kendra interviews that "[her] boys" are in the Boardroom at the moment. Just Alex and Bren. Bro! Man! Buddy! Dude! She refers to this epic smackdown as "attorney versus attorney." And believe me, the fact that it's attorney versus attorney doesn't mean both sides have a fair chance, or that the discussion will be remotely interesting. But it sounds better than "tie versus tie," which is what it is, kind of. Kendra tries not to laugh while she tells Tana that Bren might actually make it back if Alex was stupid enough to die on the hill of the Pack Rat. Kendra then interviews that Alex is tougher competition than Bren, so she would rather see Alex get bumped off now. Well, I can see her reasons for being fearful. He is the guy who came up with the Meatball Masterpiece.

But in fact, it is Alex who comes strolling into the L-Pal, dragging his rolly-case behind him. Craig nods somewhat grudgingly, like, "Well, I guess they both couldn't be fired." And for once, I can honestly say that I totally feel Craig. Tana and Kendra both give hugs, as morons and their mascots do. (Sidebar: The best reason to have friends who watch the same bad television shows you do is that things happen like the moment today when one of my friends called me "an oasis in this vast, imbecilic wasteland." Best compliment ever!) Alex calls the Boardroom experience with Bren "tough," by which he means, "I almost peed my pants." Because…bro! Dude! Man! Alex ruefully tells the group he's been to the Boardroom four times, so he has no "equal" among those who remain. Tana looks at him sadly, second-guessing his skin-care regimen in her head. Alex interviews: "I feel that, like, it is me against the world." In my favorite visual of the week, he says to us that the worst person to try to fight is someone "who has nothing to lose." And then he says, "That's me," but he points right to his head. Yes, indeedy, nothing to lose in there! Nowhere to go but up! You'd think the guy could at least point to his own chest without fucking it up. No wonder he keeps winding up in the Boardroom. He explains that just like it says in Sun Tzu's The Art Of War, he's decided to allow Magna to (erroneously!) think he's weak. Ah, yes. Sun Tzu does recommend those four consecutive defeats, I think, in order to lull your opponents into submission. In fact, didn't Sun Tzu specifically mention the Pack Rat? I think there's a diagram. ["Few things on this planet bug me more than when a corporate wrench like Alex who couldn't win a slapfight with my dead grandmother refers all smugly to Sun Tzu. Watching Wall Street on basic cable a couple of times doesn't make anyone a strategic giant, son." -- Sars] In his bedroom, Alex tells Kendra that the experience "wore on [his] spirit." That's not even a good bluff, because everyone knows Alex doesn't have a spirit. We knew that all the way back at "bling-bling."

Kendra reminds us that Alex is the only survivor of Net Worth, and that tomorrow, somebody will be sent over to work with him. Tana asks Kendra about the prospect of Alex picking her, leaving Kendra to work with Craig. Knowing, of course, how well those two get along. Kendra rolls her eyes at the very thought. "You guys have had a problem for five tasks," Tana stage-whispers. Tana wonders aloud whether Alex is "mean enough to do that." Well, sure! I mean, he will if it says to do it in The Art Of War.

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Apprentice

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