Apprentice
Bedazzled By A Beefy T

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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Fifty years, and it's come to this

Later, we check in with Net Worth, which is reviewing its design. It is a pretty design, although the star with the cartoony wings looks a little bit like something that would be a parody of itself on The Simpsons. I just don't see what fluffy wings that look like they're made of mashed potatoes have to do with "Rock Star Couture." The thing just doesn't hang together for me. Tana then starts talking about how maybe they could "stud it" or add rhinestones. Ewwww. EW! Alex, too, acts like he thinks the idea of putting three "stones" on it would be just the best. Tana grins, because arts and crafts are her favorite thing, next to pretending to be awesome. And this is where Tana says the word for the first time: "Bedazzler." Alex doesn't even know what the Bedazzler is, although TWoP readers sure as hell do. That's how you can tell just how kitschy it really is -- it's been currency around here for years. In fact, it's probably been flogged more than a congressional filibuster in these parts, so you know it's on the way out. (Like the congressional filibuster, apparently.) Anyway, she's all happy, and tells Alex how this is an amazing machine you use to attach sparkly beads to clothing. She claims to have made $10,000 selling Bedazzled t-shirts in the past. And then hilarious Housewife Of The Future music plays as she gets on the phone and starts calling around, looking for one of these magical things. But she can't find one. And moreover, every time she's disappointed, she makes this irritating "oh, nooooooo" noise that I guarantee you is not making people want to help her. She does find someone who tells her they have the studs like a Bedazzler would use, and when Tana double-checks that it's in Manhattan, she learns that actually, it's in Staten Island. The woman says she's probably a 45-minute to one-hour trip from where Tana is. Tana makes the following claim in an interview: "I called every arts-and-crafts store in the New York area." Oh, sure. And Manhattan was out of sparkly things. She called every arts-and-crafts store in the New York area, and none of them had any rhinestones. Unless the city had been surprisingly invaded by the Elvis Impersonators On Ice Tour, the Elton John Tailoring Slam, and an enormous pack of rhinestone-eating dogs all at the same time, I'm not buying. She tells us that when she heard that this woman had the rhinestones, she decided she'd go, no matter how far it is. Because Manhattan? Has no beads.

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Apprentice

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