And that's what the skits were like.
So then there's soccer, and then Trump and the little boy and Bill are grilling them about their opinions before they say who won. Angela asserts that they worked "extra hard," which means what exactly in context I do not know, and that they put on a great show. Surya describes the obvious and common idea, which has come up on this franchise before, as "out of the box," and then says that they executed it to perfection, and that he couldn't be prouder. And I don't think that's bravado: I think he thinks they're winning, and this is his way of peeing on it. Kid Exec describes Kinetic: good brand integration, it was entertaining, they did it also in Spanish, they communicated the brand to within an inch of its life. A footrace of dancing vitamin furries, and a screaming hockey player. I don't know. It was vastly better than the other one, but so is like...everything. And Kid Exec is on that train: Arrow showed poor brand integration, had a bad storyline if you can call it that, and overall he didn't understand their concept. They were like a boxer at a gay bar with a coven of choreographers? And then vitamins? And then they all take their clothes off? No thanks.
Kinetic wins, James is shitting it, Kristine is so happy (you can tell because she goes, "I'm so happy!"), Heidi's laughing. Stefani is dead sad; Bill's fake tan looks even nicer outdoors. You could get used to him, eventually. I guess I see where you guys are coming from. Kristine interviews how if she'd lost this one, Muna was going to be found in Echo Park with a shiv -- no, it's Kristine -- a graphite chopstick between the ribs. Hopefully, she hopes, they'll work it out and Muna will eventually shut up. But Jacob, you're saying, what's the reward? The most interesting part of each episode! The reward is to play golf "at the number-one-rated course in California," which of course "happens to be mine," the Trump National No Carolyns Allowed Golf Club L.A. They not only get to play golf -- the most fun you can have besides bowel cancer -- but they get to do it with Donald Trump! Plus a "very important man in golf," who can only be Satan himself.
Tent vision: so very windy. Stefani trying to keep her tent together using her hands and will power. She interviews again that camp sucks, that moving back to camp is terrible, that it's sad to live outside, that it's "just completely not fair." And you know how I feel about statements like that: fair to whom? Fair based on what? But it's Stephanie, almost crying, and I find that I don't have it in me anymore to get moral about these kids, because I feel so horribly bad for each and every one of them, with the exception of Nicole, for whom I feel a certain amount of pity but nothing too painful or energy-consuming. Way I see it, she's got it covered. No sense both of us feeling sorry for her ass on a constant basis, or shrieking about it like grackles every five seconds. I feel like she'll pick up the slack for me on that one.
Next morning, at I'm sure the absolute crack, there is triumphant music as we see some capitalism porn of the golf course. And I mean...it's a visual wonderland. It's like the most luxurious thing ever. I would enjoy strolling around it, which is basically the same as playing golf, but with less rules. There's a waterfall the size of your momma. There's a bunch of tiny mountains everywhere. It's like if Banjo & Kazooie came true. It's greener than Ireland and a pair of silk pajamas put together. And Kinetic hits balls with sticks. For what seems like hours. Heidi's loving the "presence of Donald Trump" and "getting face time," not to mention "the opportunity to interact," as opposed to what we mean by "face time." Trump is up Angela's hoo-hah the entire time, just bizarrely so, like a kid who only sees his older cousins once a year at Christmas, and won't stop fucking following them around and keeping them from getting to do anything fun like smoke cigarettes or say swears, it's embarrassing for everybody, he tells her she's so good at hitting balls with sticks that she should be on the LPGA tour, and she should trade in hockey for golf because it's better, blah blah. I honestly do think he has a boy-crush on her, and I don't say that as a crack on Angela, she's great, gorgeous, but...he's treating her like a person. On a creepy little pedestal, kind of Tarek-adjacent, which worries me because of where it could be heading, but still: no gross jokes, no forgetting her name, no refusing to look her in the eye. I don't think she registers as a woman, for him: just a thing he wishes he was. Angela's only response: "Golf. Yeah. You could...play that your whole life?" Heh. Or at least until you were as old as Donald Trump. Same diff. Stop slobbering on the Olympian, you old freak.