Bend It Like Donald

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Eight: The Level Of Our Incompetence

You know who I have a guy crush on? The Adidas guy, who's playing golf with them, and is totally adorable. He's old and funny and jumps around and has a lovely laugh. I think he's great. I don't know his name or what he does or why he's here, but I like him a lot more than Trump, and honestly that's all I'm asking for. People that are not Donald Trump. If you are not Donald Trump, please add your name to this list. Trump gives them each a set of Trump golf clubs, because that's honestly his world, I get it, I am over it. They're probably plated in gold or whores or something, I didn't get a look. They hit balls forever. Trump tells Angela to envision the ball as the Russian hockey team, and boy do they laugh and laugh. Trump is adjusted to the idea that Angela can hit a golf ball, but the rest of the all-girl team? That shit flips his wig! He goes on about it for a length of time that, not to get into it too much because we're nearly done and I don't wanna waste a lot of space, but if you subtract from infinity the area under the curve of every ball Angela hits, or I'm sorry, the derivative, that's right, if you add all that up and subtract it from forever, that's how long he goes on and on about how women can hit golf balls. But they shouldn't be expecting to learn to read or write or defend themselves anytime soon. Angela and Trump interview and chat about how nobody knew he had this fun-loving side and Heidi congratulates him on hitting a ball with a stick: "Pretty impressive!" she says. "I am only a robot. I can never eat the apples that I polish and polish, without ever winding down." Angela says something that in my notes trails off halfway through and then it just says, "My god how boring." Then comes that commercial where the old people make out, but their dentures stay secure. My most hated commercial of all time. If a television commercial could be your nemesis, that would be it.

Surya whines through the hedge once again, to Angela this time, about how he doesn't trust his team. You know what's so funny? They're all operating under the assumption that their fake first-day friendships actually count. Like, if he'd stayed on Kinetic, they'd all hate him. Not as bad as Arrow does, but his sucking is a constant no matter which side of the hedge. But because Kinetic never had to deal, they're able to make these sweeping statements of his overall worth and how close they are, and he's just as lame, sneaking over to the hedge after every task to whine and cry and moan about it -- to people he barely knows. To people he knows less than he knows Arrow, at this point. It's just so...imaginary and freshman-year and crazy. I love it. Angela tells him, based on no information but the lies he tells himself, that his ideas are resulting in wins, and Viceroy Kristine knows that. He starts crying, horribly, and whines about how Kinetic has to know that he's the reason they keep winning. Which isn't true. I love how with everybody else, they're so demonstrative and annoying, but when it comes to Surya's brilliance, it's like this secret admiration that they cherish but can never reveal. Like his whole life is a surprise birthday party and he's waiting for it to hit, and then he'll have friends.

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