Apprentice
Bend It Like Donald

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Eight: The Level Of Our Incompetence

Jacob: "OMG, dude. Sack up. You couldn't give it a moment to breathe?"
Trump: "Whatever, watch me suck the life out of that one: Do you wish you didn't take risks? Like I do? And you never do?"
Surya: "Yeah like I wish I had not taken the risk of letting my team have even one goddamn idea, or yeah, taking the risk of going from one randomly selected group of strangers to the other randomly selected group of strangers. But I realized that they needed discipline and that I was the only person who could do it, so actually that's why I did it, so actually it wasn't a risk, so never mind. I was totally getting my delusions mixed up with my outright lies. Just like you, Mr. Trump!"
James: "Look, you little shit. This team doesn't need discipline, we need inspiration. Every word out of your stupid mouth is about Surya: 'I' this, 'me' that. You cut people off in brainstorming and do everything you can to derail tasks so that you can feel like you're in control. You're rude and you interru--"
Surya: "-- HO HO HO I WOULD LOVE TO RESPOND TO THAT WITH MY FAKE ANGER AND STUPID YELLY VOICE THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING EXCEPT THAT I WANT YOU TO THINK THAT I AM VERY OUTRAGED!"

He talks at length about something, whatever, he was "brainstorming," the Surya kind where you sit quietly and don't talk, and somehow in the silence, there were no ideas. "I asked for more ideas, again and again," he says, and that part's true, and Tim admits that part's true. Oh my God this actually is last week. Please don't fire Tim! I will literally have nothing left!

Trump: "Wait, so you totally have engineered the entire team to toss Surya under the bus, and yet you are agreeing with him about something?"
Tim: "Yeah, like facts?"
Trump: "I...I don't...what?"
Bill, quietly: "Nuh uh, he doesn't get that."
Tim: "Sorry. Yeah, I'm being...sneaky or something."
Kristine: "He was awesome on Kinetic. Best five minutes of our collective life. I admit I don't know the guy's name, but I'm convinced we're close somehow."
Surya: "So you should fire James! For disloyalty! You hate disloyalty!"
Trump: "What? What did he to that was disloyal?"
Surya: "He was...mean!"

James: "How in fuck did I contribute to this loss in any way? You're a shitty leader, you've been a shitty leader all along, none of that has anything to do with me. Tell me one thing I did that brought us to this table."

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Apprentice

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