Apprentice
Bend It Like Donald

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Eight: The Level Of Our Incompetence

Frank lets us in on a little secret: Surya is sickening, after awhile. He's also, for all that integrity, a huge liar -- and bonus points to Frankie for pointing this out -- because his memory of how things go is wildly divergent from the realities of history: Surya's lie that he came to Arrow because they were smart, strong, brilliant people is actually the opposite of the truth, which is that he did it out of a misguided desire to show that he was the strong link, that he was a stepper-upper, and so that Trump would recognize him in the lineup, and because he thought that Arrow were untrained monkeys, shitting themselves and rolling in it. And he wasn't wrong about all of it, but his intentions were not exactly pure either. Frank finally puts on his Sleepy Suit and stomps off to bed, chuckling hatefully about how much Surya sucks.

To Echo Park, after narrowly missing Ryan Cabrera standing there like a pothead. It was only his alarming hair that alerted the driver; when asked what the hell he was doing, the talented youngster replied, "I wanted to feel the ocean!" Later on, I made the mistake of making a Ryan Cabrera joke outside of an American Idol recap; midway between the two incidents, Donald Trump made a third mistake: the brightest fuchsia tie in the history of sartorial assaults. Bill Rancic is described, queasily yet factually enough, as "a winner," and gives his usual cheesetastic bullshit grin. However, his fake tan is looking radiant and sexy, and he's coming off hella better than last year based on that and his teeth alone. Trump talks about how Echo Park = Health and Wellness and Exercise. When they're not stashing bodies or saving young Latinos from heterosexuality, I guess. "I should be exercising, but I don't feel like it!" Trump shouts, indicating in his tone that people should laugh. They do, fakely. The youngster Stephen, standing nearby, is the VP Marketing of GNC, whose youth serum is apparently miles ahead of anything we've yet seen. Trump points out Kinetic to the baby child, and calls them losers: particularly Angela and Heidi, who were once stars. You know he doesn't really mean it with Angela, because he wants her for his boyfriend. The task: put together a halftime show -- "at the Home Depot Center, a beautiful place" -- during an L.A. Galaxy soccer game to promote GNC. Angela nods, trying to think of a place more beautiful than Home Depot. It's a wonderful soccer team, Trump suggests, though I'm not entirely convinced they exist. The fourth-grader standing next to him will be the sole judge and jury. I'm thinking boobs and X-Box, free Doritos and a keg.

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Apprentice

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