Apprentice
Bend It Like Donald

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Eight: The Level Of Our Incompetence

Trump: "Fuckin'...okay, why? One reason."
Surya: "He is mean!"
Trump: "Because you don't like him."
Surya: "That's literally how small and gross my soul is, yeah. That's how mentally and emotionally stunted I am: my dislike of him and the way he belittles me doubles as an objective reason you should fire him."
Trump: "I like the way you think, but there's something off about it. Also, you're such a tool I can't even believe it. Fired."
Surya, dissolving into tears: "I have a 5-2 record! I have a 5-2 record. I have a 5-2 record. I have a 5-2 record..."

All the way out the motherfucking door, crying and whining like this. Trump calls this "a tough one," and Bill calls Surya "a fighter," which is a funny word for what he is, and they agree that he's a good guy and a fighter, and Kristine finally jumps in all, "He's...got passion? Um, that was a tough call?" Trump nods. "That was a very tough call."

Outside, Surya is more pissy and more whiny and more stupid; Tim's looking bored, James is looking boring. They give Surya credit for fighting in the boardroom and Tim's feeling bad about him leaving already. They go "whew!" and head back to their mansion, and somehow Tim has buttoned the top button of his jacket, and this button only, so he looks totally weird, like a ship's captain or something. In the cab, Surya finds it -- you guessed it -- absurd that he's going home, even though he has the best meaningless record. I don't have the time or inclination to talk about why this whole line of reasoning is so flawed, but it's like: straight A's didn't get you laid in high school either, jerky. He tells us, in case we didn't know the precise figures, that he felt like an outsider 95% of the time, and that if he'd known then what he knows now, that full-grown adults don't need their hands held or basic shit explained to them, or any of the other gifts he brought over the hedge, if he'd known it was all going to go so absurdly, he would have stayed to annoy Kinetic instead. "It just goes to show," he finishes off, "that the best person doesn't always win."

And by the same token, it shows that being a douchebag is its own reward.

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Apprentice

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