Bend It Like Donald

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Eight: The Level Of Our Incompetence

There's some very nice, kinda cool music as they get it together, team by team. Surya goes, "Let's talk," and separate from the kinda cool music is the inner sound of DOOM. Frank is all about putting on "the biggest show," getting people involved. I still don't know what Frankie's skill set actually entails, but "putting on soccer halftime shows with vitamins and yelling" seems about right for starters. Tim tosses out -- and is very excited by this -- the idea of a boxing ring, a la "Time For Tide To Go!", where a guy is skinny and then puts some kind of GNC Frankenproduct in his body, and is reenergized and irradiated, and that's great. James loves it, because the crowd will be engaged. Frank offers to create the boxing ring, and narrate with his impenetrable mushmouth talking. Everybody's feeling it, everybody's excited...Surya goes, "Time out real quick." Four words that Surya's fooling himself by putting together in a single sentence. Now's as good a time as any to have a little daydream about Wonderful Jim. Why thank you, Jim! How did you know I was craving a Diet Coke? Oh, how lovely. A backrub, here in the south of France. And look, Journey in concert! Let's make out!

Frank rolls his eyes; Surya tells them to shut the hell up and think in their heads. Oh, right, that silent brainstorming where everybody bounces off each other's ideas by never hearing them. Wonderfully -- and not unlike last week's BR -- chaos breaks out: everybody shushing each other, Frank calling their quiet time one minute at a go. At one point Surya actually corrects him on how many minutes they have left to be silent. I would have popped him one. I swear to God, these people are impressive. They haven't slept in "eight weeks," heh, he's been up each and every one of their asses since Trump was little, and now he's like, "You have to sit quietly and not brainstorm for three more minutes, not two, before you can go back to the conversation you were having before I remembered to suck." POP. Right in the kisser. I am a man who normally scorns violence as the resort of lesser creatures, but holy Christ. James interviews about how Surya's kind of sad, like an old man trying to be cool with the cool kids, but also kind of like he needs to be smacked really hard. Frank makes fun of Surya to his face, Surya is pissy about it; Frank cracks Scantron jokes, because that's his frame of reference; Frank delights and depresses me in equal amounts, but I think I am falling in a golden-retriever kind of love with him. Life is fucked up in L.A.

Kristine tells us that she has done this actual thing, in her life, for like eons, but unlike if Surya were saying this, and I'm sure somewhere he is, I actually believe it. If you think for a second that we're in for a taste of Kristine in any way in this episode, though, you're wrong. She's still just that cute girl in the futurewear to me. I have no idea who she is or what she wants, or why I like her so much; I joke about how there are ten people on Kinetic named Jennifer, but I swear, it's because there are still so many people on Kinetic that I really like and want to get to know, and still don't know anything about. It's a social blindness thing on the show's part, I think: we know a lot about the sort of people Arrow are -- enough, in fact, that I've gone through the whole "you can't hate anybody if you know them well enough" cycle with all of them -- while...Jenn? Loved her, don't know shit about her. Kristine, same deal. Heidi, frankly: what is she besides a person with a USB port? Even Derek, I don't get the full picture, and what I did get was mostly from watching this shit over and over specifically for him, trying to learn him.

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