Bend It Like Donald

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Eight: The Level Of Our Incompetence

Look. If you're still with me at this point in the season, or my history recapping this show frankly, you know I'm not trying to make a point when I say that I believe this is a producer error, that the whole Girly Team is such ciphers, that comes from a gender place. I'm not actually fucking around or being melodramatic when I say that. In the comic book industry, if you will allow me, we have a saying: boys draw bodies, girls draw faces. I'm not an artist by any means, but I'm totally girly as far as this distinction goes, so maybe I'm interrogating the production from the wrong angle, OR MAYBE I'm totally right: the editing this season is emotionally tone-deaf, and neglects the characterization of the women. Those teams were picked nearly randomly, from a pool of people presumably interesting enough to be picked over thousands of applicants: it's not like they were like, "All robot ladies with no personality over here, and the queers; all the buck-toothed hicks and trampy-looking defense attorneys and metrosexual dudes, on the right." They didn't do that. It just fell out, and somebody in charge decided the girls weren't interesting enough to care about. That's absolutely how it went down. Gross, you know?

Anyway, enough with the caring about the culture of hatred our television and government are selling us. So Kinetic talks about having some kind of vitamin duel or something on the field -- Heidi: "That would be fun! I dueled vitamins on Prokloris 15 when I was part of the Robot War for the...but I've said too much" -- and they come up with four huge vitamin costumes that four humans will wear, and they'll race through the obstacles of life: clogged arteries and osteoporosis, all that stuff I don't know about yet. Muna brings up throwing confetti and t-shirts at the crowd, and Kristine immediately incorporates, saying that can happen at the finish line. Muna brings up something else. And then something else as well. The secret bitching subtext is slowly becoming text. Kristine's like, "How about we run these ideas fifteen different ways and then talk about it? Like grownups? Or since I guess we're not, let me be clear: I'm not going to hang you out to dry. Nobody even knows who the fuck I am. I want to win." Muna: more bullshit. I don't know if she's been like this the whole time, or if... Well, frankly, I don't know if this is really happening, period. I'm sure I wouldn't like Surya in real life, but that doesn't mean he's the doucheprat he seems to be on this show, you know? I'm like 93% sure that Muna doesn't wake up in the morning bitching and picking and nagging and whining and yakking and freaking out, continue through lunch, take a short break until three, and then commence bitching until sundown. I'm pretty sure that's not true. But got James and Muna and I think that's it? Horrible white people, the sneakiest little bitch in the game, and Muna acting like Sophie's Heart + Calpurnia all the time? Hmm.

Though there's Kristine, on the pro side that this is not secretly being edited by the Klan, saying that Muna's driving her up a wall, acting like nobody has any idea what they're doing. She's just like, "You know what, I don't really care, this is gonna drive me nuts, and I'm going to kill her." Muna: More talking. Kristine finally -- and this is something I have trouble with, and so I'm always jaw-dropped and impressed when people say this out loud, because it's like asking for money or walking a tightrope 50 floors above Manhattan: I have no idea how it's done -- "I don't feel like you're giving me any credit that I have done this before." Muna, because even with the bitching she's still really cool, is immediately like, "Oh my gosh." And I buy it. I think she's honestly saying, like, "Something really fucked up has happened if that's how I'm coming across to you." On the other hand, I think Muna honestly doesn't trust anybody not to be an idiot, and I can't fault her for that in general, much less on this show. You know? She interviews, and it's hilarious in that Muna way, but also pretty compelling, in a human way, like you buy both sides equally: What kind of a person would she be, to see an area where they could improve, and not do anything? "You want a MUTE!" Like we talked about Dilbert and how it's boring and hilarious at the same time because it's universal? Either that's hilarious and universal, or I'm a nagging pick-pick-picker, because that made me laugh my ASS off. She talks crazy irritating about God, like God would even admit on the record that this bullshit show exists, but finally talks about how Kristine is not so much her "ideal teammate." Back in the van, "moments after" Kristine suggested she wasn't giving her enough credit, Muna "wipes a tear" from her eyes. This show is making me like The Number 23. I don't trust anything now, even shit I see with my own eyeballs.

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