QUICK QUIZ: Does James know he's being as creepy as he is actually being?
A) True or False: There's a percentage that everybody has to be devoting to "thinking about the eventual boardroom if we lose," versus "doing everything I can to win this task."
B) Of the two options, which one makes you a choad-hole?
C) But is James doing that?
D) How can you tell?
E) Mostly, is Surya so fucking awful and monstrous that you don't care?
F) Wouldn't you rather be drinking a margarita and listening to Ben Lee or Patrick Wolf and pretending to smoke cigarettes? Doesn't this show make you want to go outside?
G) Seriously, though, ask yourself: You're on a game show, looking to win. All the people on TV that you love, they play the game. They stay quiet in the BR, they do all their bitching -- looking at you, Stef -- in interviews and keep a smile on their face at all other times, they do it all right.
H) And if I'm telling you as your recapper that I don't have a problem with it?
I don't think it's sneaky or creepy to bitch in interviews and -- what did they call it on The Comeback? OTF, "on the fly" -- OTFs. If you read the American Idol recaps, you know that to this day I still talk to the bathroom mirror whenever I'm in a pickle. Ever since Julie and Heather B, I have done this. I do the Jim eye to the camera when nobody's looking, and I talk to the mirror. At a club at 1 AM, if the drama's happening, I'm there reporting. It's the only way I know how to stay sane. If I were bored enough to go on a game show -- especially an ass-rape like this one -- you best believe I'd be saying the utmost shit to the camera every chance I got. Is it true five seconds from now? No. Does it actually matter? No. Ever had an unchoice thought about the love of your life? Socks on the living room floor? Too much Wii, not enough making out? You've been there. Talk to the camera. It's kept me sane -- as far as I apparently am, to you, the audience -- for...fucking fifteen years and counting? Is that right? Time keeps creepin' up on me. I'm 29 on Thursday. Apparently you start feeling old, or so Gwen Stefani tells me. You start writing songs about babies and ex-boyfriends. I just want to have babies with Derek Arteta. That's literally all I want. I am old. Beth and Norm and Eric's abs is how old I am. Jesus.
How did I get to me again? I do that so bad, you guys! I'm not that interesting! Why does it always come back to me and my gayness, general, and my specific gayness for Derek? Maybe when I'm 29 I will be able to shut up about me. Well, then I'd just talk about the Killers and the Walkmen and whatever; that song "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven." Pages and pages, I swear. Which is really just talking about me some more, which if you've read one single page of the Doctor Who recaps, you know that just means I'm bored as fuck. Back to these bitches. Quiz over.