Bling It On

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Chain wallets and small potatoes

Magna. Kendra explains that the whole team went over to Fuse, where they'd be doing the segment. She says that for their artists, they got Lil Kim, Lil Jon, Moby, Eve, and Jadakiss. I have to say, Moby came as something of a surprise to me here. I don't really think of him as the Regis of music. This isn't the kind of thing I necessarily thought he would do. In fact, I'd have thought he would be busy making sarcastic remarks in interviews about people who do this. Kendra tells the group that she's going to take Tana and Craig with her to meet Lil Jon. She's going to have Alex and Bren work on "timeline." Whatever that means.

In one of the most hilarious moments of non-self-awareness ever on this show, John explains that when they went out to meet the bands, it was a really, really good thing that he had his chain wallet. NO, I SWEAR TO GOD, HE SAID THAT. HE SAID "CHAIN WALLET." He goes on to say that this is his "hipster wear." I adore the fact that he thinks any of these people are going to be like, "Well, I don't know if I can trust -- oh, wait! That one guy has a chain wallet! Sign me up for the most extravagant gift you can think of, guy with chain wallet!" Anyway, he insists that musicians hate to see suits. He has his finger on the pulse, people. His finger. On. The pulse. He, Erin, and Stephanie leave in a cab. In the cab, they talk about what they're going to ask for, and John firmly lectures that "number one on every list" will be a gig where the band comes to your house. Yes, that's "number one on every list." John tells Erin and Stephanie that they way they should do this is that one of them should get "giggly" and explain that she's just stupid and doesn't know anything about music. Because that's how girls get things! Damn, which of you bitches told? Anyway, Stephanie explains that she's learned that John has no respect for women, and looks at her and at Erin as just pretty faces, but "no brains behind the face." In the cab, Erin and Stephanie already look unhappy.

This week's Trump motto is "Go Big or Go Home," another entry in the Suspense-Busting Motto competition. We watch him give a speech in which...he says that. And the thing about "go all the way," and the thing about the fences, know. Everyone in the audience laughs at something, but probably not at Trump, because...well, he's not funny. ["Well. Not intentionally." -- Sars]

Tana, Craig, and Kendra pull up for their visit with Lil Jon, and Tana is already doing her "I speak jive" routine, which I immediately find really irritating. Kendra, in an interview, reviews the membership of her team, saying that she has by far the better players on her team, compared to Net Worth. And then we watch as Lil Jon emerges and shakes hands with Tana giving her a hearty, "How y'all doin'?" Tana admires his giant "CRUNK" pendant, and then goes to work admiring his gigantic ring. Not only that, but she has been paying attention to the kids and their talky-talk, so she makes knowing reference to "bling-bling," which is just so absolutely embarrassing. "Now we be talkin'," she says, as we look over at Carolyn, trying desperately not to laugh and losing the battle. In an interview, Carolyn begins by saying, choking back a laugh, that "Tana is really trying to get on his level." She pauses. "You know, with the...'we be talkin'.' I thought that was kind of humorous, and she was really trying the lingo, it's just not exactly hitting." Carolyn giggles, slumps over, and turns away from the camera as she incredulously repeats, "We be talkin' now!" Oh, Carolyn. Come over to the dark side! Mock openly! It's so freeing!

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