Bling It On

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Chain wallets and small potatoes

Their meeting with Moby is actually my favorite, since he looks so aghast the entire time. He looks like this is the most uncomfortable thing that has ever happened to him in his whole life, including birth and whatever surgeries he may have endured. Tana makes an ill-advised and not-that-funny interview remark about how the difference between Lil Jon and Moby was like the difference between "black and white," like...hilarious. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not offended, except in the sense that obvious, dorky jokes vaguely offend me. I just think it's a dumb line. Tana asks him if he's okay with the winner getting a week on tour (damn!), and Moby, apparently not all that nervous after all, says that sounds fine. I admire his dedication to the charity, but...a week? With a fan of the type who would spend large amounts of money to spend a week with you? (Shudder.) He also says the person can come onstage, get the full package, whatever. "Right now I have the shivers!" Tana interviews. I'm sure Moby does, too.

Net Worth. In their van, John is happily talking about sticking the feather in his hat so he can "pimp some girls." Erin and Stephanie try to ignore it. Erin interviews that she didn't care for that, but it wasn't a great time to start a fight when they were about to go into a negotiation with Gene Simmons, which she says "is going to be hard enough as it is." That's kind of sad that I think she already knows what this dickweed is going to put them through. And speaking of the dickweed, here we are with John, Erin, and Stephanie around the table at Gene Simmons's house. Or office, or lair, or whatever. Unsurprisingly, John starts off the meeting about how comical it was this one time that he was asked to draw someone he liked listening to, and he drew KISS. Hi-larious! As Stephanie explains, this was basically a way of making the entire meeting all about himself, which he loves to do, as we know. "Was that a story to butter me up?" Simmons asks, ensuring that the meeting goes back to being about him. John starts to stammer, and Simmons is all, "Why are you here?" I swear, never have I seen a man so devoted to the idea that he's ironically cool who is so incredibly non-ironically non-cool. And remember, I've seen Donald Trump. Erin asks him what he likes to do, and of course, he becomes immediately lecherous, and it's really kind of uncomfortable, and Erin and Stephanie don't really know what to do about this disgusting horndog. "Stephanie has a purpose," John laughs in an interview. "She's basically -- she's a fluffer." Isn't that nice? A fluffer. It's like saying "eye candy," only it's so much more demeaningful. (Yay! I knew it would come in handy.) "Keep him entertained until we needed him happy," John stupidly, droolingly babbles. At any rate, Simmons says that he's working on a box set (oh, I can't wait for that one), and John asks if he anticipates a release party. He says he does. John asks if the person could attend the release party. Meaning, of course, that the lucky winner will be able to rub elbows with a lot of other losers who scored tickets to the release party. Simmons tries out a routine about how he's not sure that's a big enough prize, and he wants to make sure he emerges from this as the top dog. But John totally misses the cue and leaves it at "release party." "I'm positively rigid," Simmons says, again erroneously thinking he's cool and funny. That is one sad character.

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