Episode Report Card
DeAnn Welker: B | Grade It Now!
Who's the Biggest Loser?

"Five-time NBA champion, bad boy Dennis Rodman." So far, he's the only guy who's warranted two titles. And I would like to add that he's won a reality show before, and that he entertained us while doing so. "Grammy Award-winning country star Clint Black." "Gold medal Olympic figure-skating champion Scott Hamilton." "Motorcycle maven and working-class hero Jesse James." They forgot to add "Sandra Bullock's husband" -- and, really, can you be a "working-class hero" and married to her at the same time? He says he's here to represent blue-collar America, so I guess he thinks so.

The women's team: "World Series of Poker winner Annie Duke." We get a shot of her on the phone, telling someone they better get on the [bleep]ing phone with her. Classy! "LPGA golf champion Natalie Gulbis." Never heard of her. "TV host Melissa Rivers." "Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick." She has a nice set of "qualifications." I swear I'm a feminist, but you can't not make fun of her being on this show. "Television star and fashion entrepreneur Khloe Kardashian." I think "star" is stretching it. "Multiplatinum recording artist, TLC's Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins." "Deal or No Deal model Claudia Jordan." Okay, really? There were, like, 700 models on that show and no one knows who any of them are, so she is not a celebrity. "And entertainment icon Joan Rivers." We get a clip of her saying she has spent $150,000 on her face. Um, Joan? Ask for your money back, because it does not look good.

Trump's in his helicopter telling us that it doesn't matter how many awards these celebrities have, because this contest is all about fighting for what you believe in: Scott tearily says he wants to cure cancer in his lifetime. (Is that the prize if he wins? A cure for cancer? If so, I am so rooting for him!) Clint hugs someone and tells them he loves them and doesn't want anybody to go through what they went through. Joan tearily tells us how much giving "to them" would mean to her. T-Boz says she's the national spokesperson for sickle cell, and she has the disease herself. She wants to grow old, so it's personal for her. Announcer guy tells us they come to New York with new connections (Clint Black has a check from Tim McGraw), new passion and a new determination to win. Brian and Dennis get in a fight. Joan cries in the boardroom. "And all but one of them will be fired." Donald fires someone, just to start us off on a good note. Then the announcer guy tells us that "The Celebrity Apprentice starts now." What have I been weecapping so far, then? Settle in, folks: We're just getting started. "Money, money, money, money ... muh-nay!"

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