Episode Report Card
DeAnn Welker: B | Grade It Now!
Who's the Biggest Loser?

Trump's "TRUMP" helicopter flies toward an aircraft carrier, where our celebrities await. They're already divided into men and women. He welcomes them to the USS Intrepid, and then talks more about last season, because Piers' charity was the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund. Then he compares the battle they're trying to win to the battles the Intrepid has been in. And then asks Dennis about winning NBA championships. Dennis: "It's all love, baby." I'm so glad he's starting off not making sense. That just makes it more fun for me. Melissa Rivers looks around and notices she's with a fascinating group of people. She says that you can't miss Dennis, who is enormous and not at all subtly dressed. Then Melissa notices Herschel Walker. He says "It's game time." Claudia, who's a real estate investor, apparently, is ready to win. She's a big fan of Trump. Trump asks Dice Clay if he still likes women, and he says he's always loved them, and "is just an honest guy." Trump asks Joan and Melissa about their relationship: Will they fight or get along? Melissa just says they're competitive, but Dice Clay interviews later that they need to cut the umbilical cord since "Melissa's like 56 years old already." Actually, she's 41, but I see your point.

Trump tells them they're broken up men versus women, if they couldn't tell by how they're lined up (you never know with this group). He tells them that if they are project manager and win, they get a lot of money for their favorite charity. [Don't some of these celebrities need money for themselves? Those Brainsmasher residuals can't be bringing in that much for the Diceman. - Zach] He sends them back to Trump Tower to pick their team leader and a name for their team. He'll see them a little later. "Go!" They walk away -- and he flies away -- as dramatic music plays.

Shots of New York City, and then the women walk into their room, which they think is really nice. Joan volunteers to be the first project manager, since she's the oldest. Everyone seems to be relieved. Joan tells the camera later that she's the project manager because she's "the only one in there without a tampon in her pocketbook." Because we all know that if you're carrying tampons, you are not capable of leading anyone anywhere. A 75-year-old crazy person, however, is totally capable. She says they deferred to her, which they sort of did. Joan doesn't want to waste time on choosing a team name, but Annie would like to make a case for "Phoenix," since they're rising from the ashes of last year's terrible women's team. Joan says, "The Winners." How original. Claudia suggest "The Ballbusters." Annie suggests "Athena," the goddess of war and wisdom. She thinks they're going to be more disciplined than the boys. Joan tells the camera that these women are going to work together with "no backstabbing." I am going out on a limb to guess that's foreshadowing.

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