The execs explain that the Synergy billboard is incredibly busy and will cause multiple-vehicle pile-ups and unbelievable carnage, but that the Gold Rush one is brilliant in ever way. The music goes nuts, and the beautiful faces of Gold Rush go crazy with joy. There are seventeen close-ups of Charmaine's beautiful face shining like a Christmas tree made of wonder and heartwarming delight. It's very awesome. Trump congratulates them and they applaud themselves, and fuckin' Dan goes, "It's that good!" Oh, Dan. The reward is for them all to go cooking with world-renowned Jean-Georges, apparently a chef of some renown. We cut to sad Brent, not sure why -- is this like metonymy and any time cookery or food are mentioned, we're supposed to think of him? That's stupid.
Then we see the actual commercial for the PGNTMC, which is like Brokeback Mountain, but with bears having a picnic. I don't get it at all. This one guy is eating PGNTMC out of this like Delft crockery at a picnic table covered with a fresh checked tablecloth, in a forest faker than an Old Navy commercial, and there's like a sports bottle on the table, arranged very artfully in this simulacrum of the camping experience that is really, really creepily unreal, and then his buddy comes out of the tent fully dressed and watches bears have a romantic picnic a few feet away, and they both think it's unbelievable -- but they are talking about different things! "Unbelievable" delicious cereal v. "unbelievable" grizzly bears on a date! I have no idea why this is happening. If the fakeness was the point, to get away from the hippie stench of Grape-Nuts, which is actually brilliant -- "Grape-Nuts! Like your Chevy Tahoe, it is an elaborate joke about the idea that you actually enjoy nature! Share it with a friend and enjoy the outdoors without the allergies, or the enjoyment! Now in delicious fake-fruit flavors! Be the next to win the lottery and go live on The Island! PGNTMC is not made of people! Repeat! Not Made Of People!" -- it still should have pushed further. Instead it's just kinda...German. (And speaking of? Dear Peter Stormare: This is a public apology for thinking I hate you. I think you are actually quite wonderful, now that I have been watching your freaky VW commercials over and over on purpose, and I realize I am the idiot, for seeing The Brothers Grimm in the first place. That does not mean that you can get me to watch Prison Break or anything. Love, Jacob.)