Apprentice
Cereal Killers

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Lesson Four: How To Sell Brent Michael Buckman Down The River Once Again

Cut to...yep. Subtle. Brent sits at the table with Lee and Lenny, staring at him and his fucked-up hair looking sad and weird vocal tone. He's got this weird, like, wizard voice going on this whole part. I don't know if I can explain it. It sounds like the voice-over at the beginning of a fantasy film, like about hobbits or whatever. "...That's up to Tammy, to decide who she is bringing in...save me a place at this table. I will be here." Lee attacks his spaghetti intensely, so that he can finish and have an excuse to get away from Brent without being rude. "I will be back stronger and more powerful than ever!" Brent declares. He smiles and looks around for someone to validate him in some way, but it never comes. He is surrounded by bagels in sandwich bags. Man.

As the members of Synergy pack their bags, Brent voices over, "I have my arguments prepared for tonight. I am ready. Tammy, I will out-argue you, and everyone else on the team. I am a nuclear weapon in that Boardroom! Keep me out of the Boardroom, or you'll be sorry!" He jiggles around with self-satisfaction.

Yowza Quiz: Pretend you're at an actual job interview. After demonstrating and openly admitting that you have no skills you can admit to, but holding forth the promise that you do have amazing secret skills you will one day reveal, you are called into the Boardroom for the Quickening. Do you:

A. Rest, confident that you've demonstrated the best of your abilities?
B. Consider how you might counter specific criticisms in order to redirect the focus to your better qualities?
C. Pray that you were the least of the screw-ups this week, and promise yourself that you will do better next round?
D. Resolve to be honest about your performance and that of your teammates, to keep your mouth shut as much as possible, and to demonstrate respect for everyone in the room?
E. Crawl into your creepy-crawly hole and think of Byzantine "arguments" that have nothing to do with the issue at hand, and everything to do with blaming your current teammates for your lifelong lack of popularity?

Answer Key: If you didn't register on the bell curve this week, either by being helpful and unnoticeable, or by rocking as the PM, let the others speak for you or pass you under the radar by choosing A. If you know you screwed up but that your past performance or specific skills make up for it, keep your mouth shut and only open it for applications of B. If you're forced to do C., make it count, and remember that this is a last-ditch strategy, not the way you should be playing the game. If you were on either outlying side of the bell curve on this task, you are going to have to speak. It's unavoidable. The Boardroom is, unfortunately, the only way your teammates can prejudice Trump against you for next week, so they're going to tear you down as much as they can even if you fucking rocked. Go with D., and if you must mention your "integrity," tie it to another quality to which Trump has responded well in the past: "loyalty," "teamwork," or "flexibility." (Not, we stress, "flexible integrity," however. Unless you are magic and can spin this.)

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Apprentice

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