Crimes Of Fashion

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
When did "capelets" become all the rage?

At the St. Regis, models receive makeup. Chris, wearing sunglasses inside (ugh), explains that they're in the "pimp daddy suite," watching the models get ready. Did I already say "ugh"? Because...ugh. Raj is putting on his bow tie, talking to his German friend again, but in English this time. He asks her if she likes bow ties, and she claims that she does. She mentions that you don't see them too often anymore. She obviously doesn't watch Tucker Carlson -- who, speaking of pimp daddies, kind of has a new one as of last Friday, no? Who knew Jon Stewart even wanted that job? Who knew anyone did? Just then, the other four guys show up. John says that he was nervous, but the clothes were finished and looked great. They all throw fists in the center of the group, blah dee blah.

Everyone files in for the show. Raj says that it was an exciting deal, because he's never been part of a fashion event before. Except, of course, dressing himself. Which is a fashion event every time. Unsurprisingly, Trump has made time to be present at the show as well. Everyone leans forward anxiously, and the women's fashions are the first out onto the runway. The first must be Ivana's famous crop pants, which are presented in a kind of blue-green tweed, with a little shirt and the damn "capelet." And see, I think crop pants with a capelet looks stupid. Crop pants look like summer; a capelet looks like it's cold outside. Furthermore, I'm not so hot on crop pants with (or in) tweed anyway. The next outfit I absolutely detest, because while it has a perfectly nice (though perfectly ordinary) fitted black zippered jacket and black skirt, it has a completely unnecessary and dumb-looking gold point on the front, aiming at the crotch. She looks like she left her napkin on her lap when she got up from the table at Benihana. That's just dumb. I'm not at all impressed with the next bit, which is a red satin camisole and brown tweed pants. Not really sure where you'd wear that combination, unless your top half was lounging about the boudoir while your bottom half went to apply for a bank loan. And then there's a very unremarkable gold dress, and apparently, there's also a sort of berry-colored dress with a fur-lined wrap thing. Dumb. Kelly says that when they saw the women's line, they were hopeful that they could beat them. I would have been, too.

And now for the men's stuff. The first model has a huge brown scarf trailing all over the place that looks totally ass, but other than that, it's not a terrible outfit. Nothing I'd pay outrageous money for, but not as bad as much of "high fashion," as far as I'm concerned. Of course, Ivana interviews that her first reaction was, "Who raided my father's attic and who cut up my sofa?" What? For the first outfit? Is she blind? It's a silk top and a tweed skirt, moron. You had quite a bit of tweed yourself, there, you know. Anyway, the second outfit is by far the ugliest -- it's knickers (ugh) and a dark belt/cummerbund/something (ugh) and a floral silky top (ugh). I think Ilse was drunk during that part, because of all of the outfits in both lines, that is, by leaps and bounds, the most horrifying. The third outfit, oddly, consists entirely of items I think are fine, but none of them should be on the same person. The pink capelet is the cutest of the many capelets being shown, the green shirt looks relatively normal, and the red pants are okay, or would be okay with the right top. I would wear any of those items (well, if they fit me, which they wouldn't). Next up is a pair of tan pants (I believe) and an odd plaid shirt, which announcer Isaac Miz-a-ha-ree calls a "blouson," and...okay. Ugly, but not remarkably so. The next outfit is the only one in both lines that made me think, "Okay, that is nice." It's a red wrap top and a gold skirt, and that, I think, is lovely. Or I thought it was until I learned that it has a drawstring hem. Ew. Drawstrings are almost always dorky. They're for bags that hold all your precious 20-sided dice, not for clothing. I still like the top, though. And then again, with the final outfit, the shiny mermaid skirt, while impractical, isn't necessarily ugly in and of itself, but...with a wool plaid vest? What? Interestingly, it appears that Kelly's jacket that he sketched never made it into the collection. One of the buyers, as the men's collection is reviewed, points and enthusiastically says, "That's great!" about, it appears, the first outfit. That would be the one that Ivana said came from her father's attic. She is so knowledgeable about fashion! That's why she did all the designing herself, you know.

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