Cruise Control

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
Lesson Five: Zip It! How Many Times Do You Need To Hear This?

They leave, Lee spewing ass-kisses all over the place as Trump asks them to tell Lenny his days are numbered. Outside, Tarek and Dan embrace, and Dan's awesome red luggage makes its final appearance, and I will miss Dan a whole, whole lot, and then inside, Trump says it came down to a lack of leadership, with which I fully agree, and Carolyn says it was an easy call, with which I only wish I could agree, because it was sooo sad! They rush to assure Trump he made the right call with a vast quickness, and upstairs, Tarek returns to the suite with Lee eating his dust. Crazy Taxi is not so crazy this week, the highlights being that Dan "couldn't implicate Lenny" because the bottom line is that they "all agreed" on the concept, that both he and Tarek also made errors, but that you have to "take ownership as a team," which is nice in the real world, but basically means he was the only possible cobra-ee this week, according to his rules, because nobody else was singly responsible except for him. He smiles this one particular smile, and my cell phone lights up with a million calls from everyone I've ever met, going, "OH! I get it now! I see what you were saying about Dan being hot! I don't know how I missed that! You are vindicated!" I mean it, like six people called within ten minutes of each other. I'm glad his hotness got its spot blown. He says he's "excited about getting back to [his] family," and that -- get ready for this -- "Daddy's coming home! And I'm going to be eating you up!" Okay, if that's not the cutest thing ever said in the Crazy Taxi, clearly your heart was chipped out of pure Andrea.

Lessons learned: "Lazy Jew" does not trump "Ass-Kissing Infant." Sometimes Lenny is right, because he has that naysaying gift they always have. Andrea is actually an asshole after all. Don't listen to Tarek's art appreciation talk, because the smartest people are the ones able to take the few facts and snippets they remember about a subject and construct an illusion that they know what they are talking about. It's scary and you must be on guard against it all year round. Um, cruises are stupid like I thought, and diamonds are apparently magical or bestow eternal youth, because that's the only thing that explains the jiggery-pokery surrounding them. Wait, no, it's the fact that they are covered in the blood of innocents! My bad.

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