Cruise Control

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
Lesson Five: Zip It! How Many Times Do You Need To Hear This?

Get this reward transition: "You've just dealt with a great ship called the Norwegian Jewel, and now...the most precious jewels of all. Diamonds!" Here's something personal you might find interesting: I hate diamonds. I know it's weird and doesn't jibe with consensual reality, and that everybody has them, and I agree that shiny and sparkly things are very delightful, but for some reason diamonds gross me out. It's not even in a Kanye political way. I've just reacted negatively to them since I was a little kid. There's more basis for my personal hatred of limos we've discussed before, that they're the tackiest thing in the world, but there's a connection somewhere between the two things and I don't know where it comes from. I read a Danielle Steele novel when I was like six and since then I've found so very many things tacky and trashy: diamonds, limousines, heterosexuality. Horse-owning. Watching the Oscars. It's not judgmental, because I realize it's not normal, like I'm the one out of key, and I don't really think I'm better than anybody else. It's more like...OCD. They know that not everybody has to stare at the kitchen light for twenty minutes, but that doesn't mean they can just get off scot-free. Tarek starts crying, predictably, as Trump explains to the other team that they're going with the Brinks guys to "a secret vault" containing "over a hundred million dollars in diamonds" and that in the end they will take home "thirty thousand dollars' worth of diamonds." Dan and Lee are kinda bummed because they're going to the Boardroom, but Tarek's like openly weeping, because the only thing more ghetto than a diamond is Tarek.

The Brinks Experience is crazy, all blue lights and guns and long corridors. Going to see diamonds is like Gattaca, which is the first of two Gattaca references I'll be making this week, which is funny because I can barely even remember that movie. Tammy squeees in an interview about the reward, adorably, and they all get metal-detector wanded before they go in. Roxanne is wearing gaucho pants, it's true, but I still don't think she looks suspicious. This is already, like, the best show, but if one of them took out the entire security crew and heisted a bunch of gold bars and diamonds at this point, I don't know what I would do. Freak out, first thing, and then it's kind of open on my schedule. They meet the execs of the place, the secret diamond place, whose name I forgot to write down, because I will have nothing to do with them. One of the armed gunmen opens a big vault and there's embarrassing shimmery fantasy fairytale music as they walk in. It's like Aladdin And The Lamp in there, for real. There are stacks of gold bars up to the ceiling, diamonds in huge piles, a magic lamp. There's a dragon. I'm not kidding you. The guy puts these golf-ball-sized diamonds in between the fingers of Roxanne's hand, and then they all spend twenty minutes trying to pick up the diamonds with tweezers and dropping them all over creation and having to find them and telling each other "You're fired!" whenever they drop the diamonds, and the execs at the place are quietly shitting themselves and saying things like, "We do not lose the diamonds here," and at one point -- this was so cool -- somebody drops one, and the guy catches it in midair, faster than the human eye, and they all marvel because they don't yet know he's magic and is actually Robin Williams as a gay wisp of smoke. Which is redundant in every way. Sean interviews funnily about how every time somebody dropped a diamond it was like, "Oops! There goes a million dollars!" That part of it, diamonds aside, is very interesting to me, in that "everybody wants to roll around in a billion dollars one day and the paper cuts can go fuck themselves" kind of way.

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