Apprentice
Decision Time (3)

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Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, K-E-L-L-Y...

In honor of the level of mental sophistication at which this finale operated, I have prepared the following summary of events in the first half, for those of you who didn't read the last recap. Its sophistication level has been carefully calibrated using science and calculators in order to perfectly match the episode to which it corresponds. Ahem.

So there was polo, and there was basketball, and there was all this complaining, and then Jen was all, "Kelly is boring!," and Kelly was all, "Jen is mean!," and Trump was like, "Woohoo, fighting; I love fighting!," and George and Carolyn were like, "Oy."

Okay, on with the show. We return to the Boardroom, where everything is tooooootally normal. Pay no attention to the acoustical and lighting changes, nor to the fact that Carolyn's hair has grown several inches during the commercial. That is merely the effect of Trump Hair Tonic, which will make your hair yooge, lustrous, and wealthy. ["You thought it had grown? It looked like a wig to me." -- Wing Chun] Trump asks George what he thought of Kelly, and George says that he found Kelly "too wooden" and "too stiff." (Hee hee.) George complains that Kelly lacks "fire," while Jen, on the other hand, has lots of fire, at least in the "where there's smoke being blown up your ass, there's" sense. Not for nothing, George also thinks Jen is "abrasive as hell," but thinks you can fix that with a little cosmetic sandblasting, which she would need in order to remain in the Trump organization if she's going to stay around very long anyway, because she will be thirty-five before she knows it, and that's when The Doctors come. (Carolyn is actually eighty-three years old.) Trump clarifies that George didn't see a lot of Kelly, and George agrees that he didn't, on this task, but that he's seen Kelly before. He says that he thinks that Jen does have the "drive" and "fire" that Kelly lacks. Interestingly, George is not actually asked for his opinion regarding who should be hired, nor does he offer it. He just says that Jen "could be a good addition to the Trump organization."

Carolyn reports that she watched Kelly on the task, and she thinks that although he made some mistakes, over the history of the two candidates, "Kelly has stood up more than Jen." She says that Kelly has "leadership qualities," and that she'd recommend going with him. Trump asks whether that means Kelly is "a better leader," and Carolyn says, "Without a doubt, a better leader." Trump cautions that Carolyn didn't see Jen on the last task, either. Nevertheless, asked if she "feel[s] strongly," Carolyn says she does. "Strongly, or okay?" Trump asks, filling time desperately. "I feel strongly," Carolyn says...again. Fortunately, Trump does not say anything like, "Really strongly, or just kind of strongly?," because that could have gone on all night, seriously. And now Trump turns, showing the kind of on-air charisma usually limited to the elderly patient in a commercial for electric scooters, and says directly to the camera, "I want your opinion." By which he does not, of course, mean your opinion. Nevertheless, he gets kind of pushy. "What do you think?" he asks -- nay, demands. "Right now!" The camera pulls back. It swings around to show the completely unnecessary wall that we never saw, which no one ever sat in front of, which separates Trump, Carolyn, and George, from...the studio audience! Which begins cheering! Can you believe that? What a fake-out. I was completely fooled. You don't think the whole season was filmed with an audience there, do you? You know, being hauled around on the back of a flatbed truck, staying quiet and just out of camera range? And it's only now that they're able to sound their barbaric "woo"? Anyway, the wall lifts out of the way, and the live crowd tries to look excited. But...it's Kelly and Jen, so no one cares, because they both suck, and we should get that out of the way now. The caption on screen informs us that this is "Lincoln Center," meaning that a certain very tall ex-president is currently spinning in his grave, his stovepipe hat tip-tapping against the top of his coffin. We have a Lincoln Center, people. And we use it for this.

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Apprentice

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