Apprentice
Decision Time (3)

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Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
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Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, K-E-L-L-Y...

Trump asks the audience who thinks that Jen should win. The applause is fair to middling. "That's not bad, but I'm not sure it's great," Trump correctly states, showing that while he may be stupid, he has not literally taken leave of his senses. And who thinks Kelly should win? Well, the applause there is louder. Oh, and one of the people clapping is Kwame, so put that in your tin foil hat and smoke it. (I kid. I love tin foil hats and all the people who wear them. Don't email me!) Trump takes this in with a slow, medicated nod. Someone says something from the crowd, and in a display of his basic cluelessness, Trump is like, "What? What?" Because he thinks he's funny, which has never been true, ever. I have never seen Donald Trump be intentionally funny. Unintentionally funny, sure. Trump goes on to say that, last year, he was choosing between Bill and Kwame, and that although "they were both exceptional," he was fairly sure coming into the finale that he was going to pick Bill. Which makes a certain amount of sense, since he had seen them do everything but attend the final Boardroom by that time, so why wouldn't he know? What is far stranger, however, is that he goes on to claim that, as of right now, he still doesn't know who he wants to choose. Oh, please. "I don't know what it's going to be," he repeats. Yeah, he's totally in suspense.

Trump claims that, in some kind of a tricky and unplanned move of the kind they're always making on three-hour NBC shows timed to the last minute, he's going to bring out his friend and our host Regis Philbin, who was only going to show up for the final hour, to come out early and talk to some people in the audience. The Boardroom door opens behind Trump, and Regis himself comes strolling in, looking like he's never been happier to earn free money for doing nothing in all his life. The audience cheers wildly, and in the audience, Matthew Calamari looks vaguely ill. Oh, yeah, I'm serious, you can totally already tell. Regis pays a compliment to the crowd, because that's always good for your integrity as a performer, and...hey, look. In the audience, Calamari is standing next to Assorama. No wonder he looks like he's biting back bile. Trump insists yet again that it wasn't "in the whole deal" for Regis to go out into the audience, but that if he could please just do that, Trump would really appreciate it so much. I love off-the-cuff billionaire-on-billionaire action. The first person Trump sends Regis to interview is Boyfriend Bill.

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Apprentice

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