Apprentice
Down To The Wire, Part II

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He's just a Bill
Previously on The Entire Damn Season: Well, the entire damn season. Hell, read the recaps.

Credits. Money-money-money moooo-ney! Wiggle your hips! Dance with your cat! Sing really loudly until your neighbors plead with you to please, please stop it! But don't tell them you got the idea from me!

Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal. We watch some people gambling their life savings at the craps tables, and then at the slot machines, and then at the blackjack tables and whatnot. So this week's theme, apparently, is "personal responsibility." Elsewhere in the hotel, we find that Assorama is still in the purple-carpeted office where we left her last week. I love that, because one of the great things about a casino is that you can have bright purple carpet in the part of the office devoted to doing business, and nobody bats an eye. Elsewhere, purple carpeting pretty much means that you're in the "brothel" section of whatever business you're currently patronizing. Anyway, Assorama is holding the phone and asking some presumably very bored individual, "How do you lose a rock star?" Obviously, there are a lot of ways to lose Jessica Simpson, starting with failure to leave an adequate trail of bread crumbs when you take her from her bedroom to the kitchen, so I won't even bother with those jokes for the remainder of the recap. You'll thank me later. Assorama interviews, in any event, that Jessica Simpson was "missing." She was "nowhere to be found." We are actually picking things up a bit behind where we left off last week, because we just now see Troy and Kwame entering the room to check in with Assorama, who claims that she called Diane about Jessica's transportation, but Diane never got back to her. Liar, liar, ugly outfit on fire.

Despite this incredibly clever ruse that is only sullied by the fact that it is exactly the same as the incredibly clever ruse she used yesterday, Assorama is not successful in deflecting attention away from herself. Kwame, in fact, voices over that "[Assorama] just totally dropped the ball." He goes on. "I would have fired [Assorama], because she's not competent," he says. "But I didn't have the luxury of doing that." We watch Assorama back in the office making another phone call. As it turns out, she is now chirping to the original chirpmeister -- Jessica herself. This phone call, I suspect, causes cracks in the earth's crust from the collision of utter amorality and unmitigated stupidity. Assorama asks Jessica where exactly she is, and surprisingly, Jessica seems to know where she is, and seems to be able to state where she is. She probably asked someone. Kwame explains in a voice-over that it turned out that Jessica's people booked their own transportation; nobody told the team (and the team never checked, of course), so it turned out Jessica had two transport options lined up. So when Jessica was "lost," she was actually already being taken to the hotel.

Assorama and Kwame go to Jessica's suite to greet her. The great and mightily put-upon Nick Lachey answers the door, and Kwame and Assorama both introduce themselves to him. Kwame asks Nick how he likes the hotel, and Nick says that the suite is fabulous. I have to think, however, that a guy like Nick has probably seen about all the enormously fancy hotel rooms that one can really absorb, and probably just doesn't get all twittery over the gold-plated fruit baskets anymore. Jessica herself emerges at this point, and Kwame introduces himself and Assorama, whom he calls his "colleague," like he's trying to find some way to explain her presence without implying either that he has any control over her professionally or that he would ever associate with her socially. Assorama makes nice with Jessica, giving her the whole "oh, when I couldn't find you, I was like, 'I have lost the biggest rock star in the country.'" Is Jessica Simpson what passes for "rock" in Assoramaland? Does Pat Boone know about this? Because I think even he would be offended. "Jessica Simpson is not rock," he would say. "Now I, on the other hand, am rock." Jessica tells us that at the airport, she was "confused." You can't see anyone else in the room at this point, but I'm sure they're all trying to look surprised. Assorama assures Jessica that from here on out, it's all going to be smooth sailing, logistically speaking. I'm sure Jessica is filled with confidence. Or, you know, would be filled with confidence if she were capable of processing words other than "good girl" and "autograph" and "personal shopper." Kwame interviews that although there have been a few snags, everything is basically going well with the preparations for the concert. I guess that by "everything," he means "everything except successfully transporting either the band or the singer to the hotel."

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