Apprentice
Drive-Thru Duel

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Four: Don't Use Your Words

Last week Michelle quit and was a quitting quitter. Still not buying it. Back in the yard, James was in total shock and kept talking about how he was in shock, while Tim was preparing "to really be angry" and "split some infinitives." They all apparently forgot that the show has no rules this year, and that it's entirely up to Trump -- not Michelle -- what happens next. He could put them all in tutus, he could send them to the Playboy mansion, he could take them to the zoo and feed them to the yak. (Not that he would ever do any of those things.) But no, game show reality has a might hold on their little minds right now, so Trump's less a deciding decision-maker or figureheading producer-monkey, and more like a force of nature, so they're in pre-anger. Then Frankie Suits gets the call that the boardroom is cancelled and jumps around in a cape looking idiotic, and then Frankie Suits and Tim and Nicole dance around looking idiotic, and then they are in freezeframe looking idiotic, and this whole time, Michelle is walking away from Omelas and into a bright and sunshiny day.

Inside the mansion, Heidi was telling everybody about how you have to take timelines seriously, like Surya does, and you have to be awesome like this and like that, and everybody sips some delicious Kool-Aid and then leads Heidi around the mansion on a donkey, waving palm fronds at her and throwing down dummy brochures and toner cartridges in her path. Somebody talks about how we all have feelings and the entire world is like, "Kinetic! Has Feelings! Got It!" Heidi interviews about how her team has total spirit, but it's not the kind of spirit you can detect based on eyeballing them or seeing what they do or their behavior or the way they feel about their PM or teammates. It's a new kind of spirit that Heidi has discovered, and mainly that spirit has to do with obeying Heidi. She thinks it's awesome. She talks to us about Team "Arrow" and how trashy and loud and "boisterous" and gross they are, and how this conveys their spirit in a different way, and the way that this conveys their spirit is that they are disgusting.

Out in the yard, Team "Arrow" is drinking wine and yelling about Cheese Doodles drunkenly, and Stefani is informing Frankie Suits that he is "on crack" and that they are in LA, and inquiring as to "what language" he is speaking. It is SO awesome. People who look really hot in night vision are Stefani and other people you might not suspect, such as Surya and Frankie Suits, both of whom look much better in night vision. Science is still trying to crack the code on the optimal lighting for when you have to look at Nicole. I'm sure the beer is helping. Frank and Stefani have a drunk discussion about Cheese Doodles, and it's at least as interesting as watching stupid people get stoned, and Tim pulls the drawstrings on Nicole's hoodie. Tim is that scientist! "I can't see..." she says drunkenly, and the whole thing is just gross and shameful on every level. The smokers outside your freshman dormitory are like, "Please chill out, dude. It's just beer."

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Apprentice

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