Apprentice
Drive-Thru Duel

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Four: Don't Use Your Words

Cut to a nasty chicken carcass on a grill and the America's Test Kitchen of the teams trying to get it together. Aaron pronounces Stefani's bowl as having "too much cheese sauce," and she yips adorably that she's all set to change that, and Aaron wants some corn in there, and Frank says -- oh, Frank -- that they could possibly need some tortillllas, and he says "tortillllas" like it's a SNL sketch, because that's kind of what he is. It looks really good, what they come up with, and everybody does that sales thing I don't get where they lay themselves prostrate before the creation and promise it their firstborn, such is it mouthwatering, out-of-the-box creativity. Frank wolfs that shit down like he's in prison as Aaron interviews that they've christened it the "Chicken Tortilla Bowl," and that it has "good crunch" and is somehow "original." As Tim delights in the Chicken Tortilla Bowl, Stefani makes a ridiculously cute face at him, mugging like a vaudevillian: "It's good, huh?" I hope she and Aaron are the only Arrowers left standing, I really do. "...Oh, that's fantastic!" he goobers right back. I don't hate Arrow nearly as much as I feel like I should right now, but if there's one things these recaps have shown, it's that I am fickle.

Kinetic: Everybody speaking in one scary voice about how delicious their Bowl is, doing a synchronized water ballet of butt-sniffing around it like the Mexican-American Hat Dance of Fusion, and Kristine explains her horrible (but adorably Kristine) idea for putting mango and pineapple into the Standard El Pavo Guapo Bowl. Elsewhere, Derek and Marisa are doing the marketing -- as Heidi explains -- the graphics, marketing and promo materials: "All the things we need to market this new bowl." They discuss superimposing images of fruit over the bowl; I want a ghostly floating Statue of Liberty. That would be so tight. Aimee and the group, back at the ranch, talk about names and decide on the "Paradise Pollo Bowl," which is the right and correct name for what they've done here, and so of course everybody agrees on this, and they move on.

Team Derek and Marisa, where Marisa is saying the words "Bravado Bowl" one hundred times. Derek's like, "I get it, I get it, I get it? But the Almighty Powerful Heidi and Clan are done with that part?" Also, they are right. Now you and I know that Derek can do no wrong, but this is still the second of Heidi's many fuckups, and here's why. She sent Marisa out to do marketing because she can't stand Marisa, because Marisa is the grit in the gears that Arrow was saying about Michelle last week. They were wrong, but Marisa is the real deal. So in order to get her out of the way, Heidi has sent her off...to do the most important part of the task, beyond the creation of the bowl, which they've already fucked up and which in turn is the first of Heidi's many fuckups. So Heidi tells her the team has reached consensus about the Paradise Bowl, and Marisa tells them this is not original, and that "Bravado Bowl" is original, and that it is "where fruit and spice meet and dare to be different." The first part is to shut up, because it's been decided, and the second part is isomorphic to brainstorming and marketing, which is what she's supposed to be doing, but also sounds exactly like the ravings of a lunatic. Which ad copy often does, but ... "Where fruit and spice meet and dare to be different" is a really good way of making yourself completely obsolete. So while these are all Heidi's fuckups, look at it from a management perspective, which is to say: "How much of this crap do I have to listen to before I can write you off?" Marisa's got the moral upper-hand in theory, but this is not a theoretical world, and she's saying useless shit fifteen thousand times without breathing, so Heidi's right by being wrong to shut her down. Sadly, the question ("How much of this crap do I have to listen to?") has a correct answer of: Way more than you think, because Marisa is like a dog with a bone. A Bravado Bone.

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Apprentice

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