Apprentice

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"Those Beeyotches Are Gonna Be Sorry"

Previously: The Statue of Liberty stood in New York. A lot of people lived and worked there. One of them was Trump, who wants us to know how hard-working we all are in America, even in a bad economy. This season, they're here to do their part to raise money for causes who need money even more than ever. That's why 14 "celebrities" are here, putting their careers and lives on hold. Trump cares so much about not spending money that he decides to walk down the street instead of getting in his car, sitting there idling in front of the building. So he's going to honor these "celebrities" and their hard work by "firing the asses off" all of them except the winner. That's right, folks: Trump's back! Did we miss him? Okay, I'll admit I did a little. And now... our "celebrities."

Men: "Four-time Olympic gold medal sprinter Michael Johnson." Okay, he's legit. "Poison front man Bret Michaels" (um, I think they forgot to say "star of Rock of Love"). "Stand-up comedian Sinbad." "Professional wrestler and actor Goldberg." And, if I didn't already know Trump was full of shit, I'd know it with this guy because... who?! And Trump recently said he has to fight the celebrities off with a stick or something. That's just hard to believe when there are so many people I've never heard of. [Ten years ago, Goldberg was the biggest name in professional wrestling. He wrestled for WWE and WCW, and was the first to hold both heavyweight belts! Nowadays... yeah, he's just a failed actor. But he used to be somebody! He used to be a contender! Literally! - Zach] Anyway, next. "Four-time World Series-winning baseball star Darryl Strawberry." "Celebrity chef Curtis Stone" (apparently NBC's official "celebrity chef"). "Former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich," who then says, "I'll do anything." Pause. "Legal and ethical and honest."

Women: "Music manager and judge of America's Got Talent Sharon Osbourne," who wants us to make our men feel like a rock star. Well, easy for her to say. "Actress and best-selling author Holly Robinson Peete." "Two-time Olympic gold-medal swimmer Summer Sanders." Victoria's Secret Angel Selita Ebanks. (Again, Trump really expects us to believe he had to tell celebrities "no" when he cast Selita Ebanks?) [I'm sure "any Victoria's Secret model" was first on his list of who to get. - Z] "Writer and stand-up comedian Carol Leifer. "Former WWE diva and singer Maria Kanellis." Ooh, a multihyphenate. Okay, maybe just a single-hyphenate, but WWE diva-singer is at least an interesting one. And, finally, "Grammy Award-winning singer Cyndi Lauper," who talks about schlepping rugs. Is this really the most interesting stuff they can lead us into the show with? A bunch of other clips, including one of Rod saying "We're prematurely ejaculating" and one of Sharon Osbourne saying, "This is a reality check. Go fuck yourself." Yes, it's bleeped, but still. Then a boardroom fight, and Trump bleepage as he wishes they could answer the goddamn question.

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Apprentice

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