Apprentice
Apprentice

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Jacob Clifton: A | 575 USERS: B-
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Lesson Three: Holidays Are For The Lazy

Brent stacks up about, oh, I'd say sixteen sliced bagels, each slathered with a different layer of fatty goodness; an entire Dagwood bigger-than-the-head pile of bagel and butter fat. It's not even really a Brent-is-fat joke at this point: that is simply an unhealthy amount of bagel, no matter what else, no matter who's eating it. Even Lorelai Gilmore's like, "Whoa, dude. That is an unhealthy amount of bagel." Meanwhile, Andrea has gotten herself in gear and is telling Allie that she wants to be PM, and that no matter what she'll take Brent to the BR alone, and thus will save mankind through her nonexistent sacrifice. And then if they don't lose, she'll still get props for managing Brent, and she's back and smart. I love these Team Lauren moments when people get their shit together, especially if they're people I like this much, and even more especially if that liking happened against all odds.

Irritatingly Jewy music plays over Rosh Hashanah and Lee and Dan go to temple and laugh about how Lenny is going to Spetsnaz them when they get back to the suite. As much as I love getting accused of anti-Semitism by Gentiles who don't know what they're talking about (I get to say "Remind me what my name is?", is the main reason that I love this), I didn't know you really could be an anti-Semitic Jew until I met Lenny. It's not a self-loathing thing with him, is what I mean. He's not a self-hating Jew, he's a Jew-hating Jew, and that is amazing. And what's funny is, I hate him for so, so much more than that anyway, that it's just an ironic and not-especially-comedic footnote in the hatred.

The teams interrupt Trump and some lady talking about some building or something, she's probably just like a homeless woman and he was like, "I will give you twenty dollars to pretend that I do things." Lenny's still pissed about Lee and Dan as Trump mentions that George is being replaced by Bill because he's observing Rosh Hashanah. You can actually see Lenny think: "Lazy Jew." Trump explains that it's "just life," and I have to hit pause here, because: No, it's not. Trump has scheduled this task to take place during Rosh Hashanah, during the biggest Jewish cast this show has ever seen. Yes, Rosh Hashanah does tend to just happen, will we or no, but this was scheduled specifically to freak everybody out. As a poster said on the forums, "At least the producers didn't schedule Randal's grandmother to die in the middle of the task." You're throwing a party that several of the contestants can't attend, and I'm at a fucking loss as to why you would do that. Trump then says, awesomely, that the unfairness of Lee and Dan getting to have a holiday (because if there's one word I think of when you say "Rosh Hashanah," it's "riotous") is nothing compared to the unfairness of Brent still being around. Like, he actually says that. So cool. He then tries to get Brent on board with the humor of that, like, "Come on, Brent. Level. You're a shit-sucker, right?" It's amazing. Brent cannot get on board with this. Bill has ridiculous levels of gel in his stupid hair and he looks like Dragonball Z.

Apprentice

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