Apprentice
Get It In Gear

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Lesson Three: Holidays Are For The Lazy

The task: Create a corporate retreat for a bunch of "dealer-owners" from GM. They keep saying that all episode: "dealer-owner." I love it. The whole deal is that they will be introducing the DOs to the 2007 Chevy Tahoe, and the DOs will grade them on how well the teams do forcing them to interact with each other, how well they inform them about the Tahoe, and how motivational they are about getting out there and selling the Tahoe. I prefer the Sequoia, because it reminds me of this time I was at the grocery store with my friend Paul and he mumbles, "Every single vowel. They got 'em all." And when I asked him what he meant, he pointed at the Sequoia and it took me like twenty minutes to figure it out, and so now when I see a Sequoia I always think about Paul, and how he is a bit weird. Bryce interviews that he -- in so many words -- forgives Lee and Dan for being Jewish, but that he and the group are going to have to work harder. I really, really like Bryce this week. I also like this project because it has scale, which has been lacking, and it has party planning, which is both exciting to do and exciting to watch people fuck up.

The Weekly Wisdom this week makes literally no sense whatsoever. It's like a Tristan Tzara movie up in there. The words "Plan B" flash on the screen and then Trump is talking about how there are people out there, many of them, who are "highly inflexible," so you have to have a Plan B, which is where you go if you are flexible, because you need flexibility, and without a Plan B, it's not going to work, because without a Plan B, you are not flexible, which is what you need to be. And then Orpheus shows up in a leather jacket and there's a rose petal on the snow and it's all about flexibility. Or something. I mean, we will see Andrea come up with a Plan B, and we will see Theresa being stupidly inflexible, but I do not understand why this made no sense. Or why Kenneth Anger was in it, dressed as Cleopatra.

In the GM Marketing offices, Theresa is the Project Manager for Synergy, and she goes for ten minutes generating statements that begin with the words "I want." She wants a this and she wants a that, she wants "classy," she wants "models" and she wants a comedian and she wants Charmaine to do these things and she wants to stand at the head of the table and she wants to talk over everybody as her list of wants and desires quickly accretes and she wants to make the DOs feel "special" and she wants Tarek to be "the point person for creative" and she wants it all, she wants to hold her team responsible for their tasks and she wants to never, ever stop talking and she wants a "greeting table" and she wants a "personalized giveaway" and she wants a "red carpet" and she wants "flowers" and she wants "a balloon arch," because she has got a real strong handle on "classy." She also wants her breasts to triple in size, and suddenly they do. She's being almost insufferable until Bill comes in, and then she shifts into Turbo Asshole Mode, yelling and being "forceful" and "firm" and repeating phrases ten times or more whenever anybody tries to talk, all, "I wanna horse and carriage, I wanna horse and carriage," and before last week, I would have said, "This is not the way you impress Bill." But considering how he's acting these days, maybe she's right. "I wanna horse and carriage, I want stallions. Stallions. I wanna horse and carriage and I want stallions." It's grotesque. You can't slap a person through the TV, did you know that?

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Apprentice

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