Get It In Gear

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Three: Holidays Are For The Lazy

Synergy is having a rock-climbing wall delivered, and with a straight face, Andrea tells us that "It's a luxury experience as well as a rugged outdoorsy adventure." I love it when they drink the Kool-Aid about their stuff. She gets all excited about the skeet-shooting and laughs about how many people will die of a skeet-shooting injury if they're not careful. Brent wanders around, having taken a break from eating, and Roxanne asks him if he's completed his task, which is to stack several trash cans out of the way. That's it. He mumbles that he has done "a couple," and then Roxanne does that parent thing where she does his homework for him by explaining how to do his homework. She's like, "Let's stack them over here, out of the way," and then does it for him while he bumbles about, bored. She thanks him, out of simple inertia, once she's done doing his single task for him, and he's like, "No problem." The parks guys, of course, show up and tell them that there can be no skeet-shooting, because it's idiotic and dangerous, and Sean Brits around about how it's "an integral part" of the whole rugged outdoorsy blah blah, and the guy is like, "Work it out." Sean goes to tell Andrea, and she freaks for one second, and then thinks for one second, and then solves the problem. Flexibility.

The guests begin to arrive, and Andrea welcomes them and explains about "Nature...Refined," and then unveils her golf-cart racing concept which has replaced the skeet shooting. Disgusting-looking Sean waxes all amazed about the golf carts, and then very exciting music plays as they race the golf carts. Carolyn watches, either impressed or unimpressed. I can never tell. The DOs are not very impressive to me, I will tell you that. The DOs drive around in a Tahoe with Sean in the backseat trying to explain something about the vehicle and stumbling somewhat over his words, and then Bill and his hair get snotty in front of the DOs about how Sean obviously didn't know these facts off the top of his head. Like Sean's a fucking joke for pulling out the manual or studying the information at all, instead of just knowing it. Like there was any other way to do this part of the task.

Bryce tries to get the Gold Rush models to understand the vehicle, but their minds are all completely blown from the automatic doors, and they seem to think the Tahoe is from the future, or space, or was created by wizards. Cut to the revolving -- and so very shitty-looking -- stage and a model talking about nothing on the stage. Theresa forces the DOs to ride in her stupid stallion-drawn carriage and tries to explain the concept of how it's a metaphor because of horsepower or something; whatever she's saying, she just pulled out of her ass anyway, and everything looks tacky and cruddy. It's sad. Carolyn stands around and quietly hates the putting green with a burning, silent rage. She's almost shaking, with the hate of the putting green, because those are her whole life. She then admits that the people are having a great time, enjoying themselves and interacting, which is the point of the task, so it's okay mostly. The DOs get all patronizing with the models, who are just dumb because they're girls and girls don't know anything about cars or about anything, really, because whatever, Bill watches and rolls his eyes at the stupidity of the models, and we are treated to a thousand shots of their legs; no heads, just legs, and why would you ask just legs how a car works? That's not what legs are for. Bill explains what legs are for: "I hope they are big drinkers, because the entire plan here amounts to getting them liquored up and hoping to razzle-dazzle them with some models." I can't disagree with that.

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