Apprentice
Get It In Gear

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Lesson Three: Holidays Are For The Lazy

"Maybe if Tarek was actually standing up and doing his creative job he would have told me..." she says in her slowly-encrazening voice. If there were a color alert system, she'd still be a nice indigo at this point, but it's getting worse. Tarek says politely, after she snarls and grunts for a while, "Excuse me, Theresa: What was our theme? I tried to rally the team around some idea and you had nothing." Trump nods. She turns ashen and begins to vibrate. "I had no creative support. I would have fired Tarek on the spot." Bryce says that Tarek did a good job, but Bill has to call bullshit on that, correctly, because of the "atrocious" putting green. "You took an entire day to...dig three holes?" And when you put it that way, he's so right. Carolyn is like, "You thought this was going to be 'classy'?" But I don't think she means what Theresa thinks she means, because Theresa thinks she means to indict Tarek, because she's incorrect about where she herself falls on the classy/not-classy binary opposition fence, but Carolyn is calling them all trash, I think. Trump tells her she has great style, and she laughs because it is so, so true, and she knows it, and she gives him a little speech on how stylish and fucking classy and whatever she finds herself, and how she loves to "switch it up," and she makes fun of his hair, and she is now at a brilliant emerald green on the crazy scale, if you didn't just assume that from the weird fashion speech.

Theresa tells Trump that the bigger disaster was -- all of a sudden -- Tarek, and he totally laughs in her face and calls bullshit, because what she's doing is so transparent and nutty, which is changing "stallions" midstream because she's scared, and that this is the first time she's said anything about him. Which is icky, but for me personally the ickiest thing is that she's doing it also because the Viceroys called him out. Which is stupid, because they will always have the emotional upper hand, and you can't trust them to show you the way, because your mindset is unsettled -- even in a normal, not-insane person -- in the Boardroom, whereas they're not at all invested. Well, except if Bill hates you for no reason, but that's rare. Theresa shoots past yellow and ends up on the rusty side of orange, gargling and hissing and speaking in tongues and acting like Lenny. Just a hot mess, like a just-add-water crazy person is blooming into madness before our very eyes. Carolyn, I imagine because Theresa is getting harder and harder to look at, turns her attention back to Tarek. "It looked horrendous, not classy." He complains that he couldn't "control the conditions of the field," but it's lackluster and not heartfelt, because she just said "kimota" to him, basically, because telling Tarek he's not classy is like punching him in the box while wearing an entire suit of clothing made from kryptonite.

Lenny tells Trump he should fire everybody on the team, and then yells about the Lazy Jews, and how he's Jewish but he's good enough at it that he doesn't have to practice it in any way, and everybody's grossed out, especially Dan and Lee and even Trump, and Lenny goes off on this whole speech about how the smartest thing he could do is celebrate their stupid made-up holiday so that he wouldn't have to do work because he really needs a rest from the burden of denying so very much of reality all the time, and how fucking stupid he is not to use his Jewishness to his advantage like Dan and Lee. It's ugly and stupid and dirty and I don't like Lenny at all. Trump finally cuts him off: "Lenny, it's called life." That is the most hilarious thing Trump has done all season. Crazy old weirdo. "It's called life, Lenny. Some people are Jewish and they go to temple, other people are not, and they like steak. That's why they have menus in restaurants, because sometimes your Plan B is spaghetti, and Melania would never forgive you for eating spaghetti. It's called life."

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