Apprentice
Girls On Rollerskates

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Ten: After This Interview I'm Still Me

Trump: "I was shocked that you jettisoned Nicole!"
Nicole: "I agree! It's shocking! I don't know what that word means!"
Trump: "I kind of hope you lose, James. That'll show you that you made the wrong impossible choice! And then I'll have my all-white cast I've been wanting for five years."
Tim: "Yeah, because like every fucking week you go on and on about how awesome Kinetic are, no matter how many times we beat them? So that wouldn't be that interesting, actually. For you to root for them. See how you're boring and make no sense all the time?"
Trump: "... Time for results!"

Ivanka: "This was an all-out sales war! It was bloody, and it was tacky, and there were crying lesbians on rollerskates, just like my sixth-grade birthday party."
Trump: "That was a great party!"
Ivanka: "You've never been to any of my birthday parties, Dad. How old am I right now?"
Trump: "... How did Kinetic do?"

Ivanka: "Kinetic strapped on their rollerblades, dropped any semblance of dignity or desire to win, and 'hit the pavement.' Mostly with their tears of frustration. Their sales totaled $24,440.37."
Nicole: "That's a lot of money! Especially for luxuries most lower-class fat white Americans can't really afford! I am so glad we screwed them out of that money! Meanwhile our entire country's in the pocket of the insurance lobbies, ensuring that when the impossible aspirational lifestyle we're selling them finally proves illusory and they give in to heart disease and cancer, there won't be any way for them to save themselves! And they'll have spent all that money on an Old West Themed Stunt Show!"

Ivanka: "Meanwhile Arrow didn't use any gimmicks, such as vaginas. They just worked really hard, because that's all they know how to do: beg for money without shame or any ethics whatsoever. They made $31,366.65."
Trump: "That is a difference of... huge."
Stefani: "See, we're hardworking salespeople? Who win every task?"
Tim: "Maybe it's time to shmeer shmee shpedoodle shmunk!"
Trump: "Maybe you're right! Sorry, Heidi -- perhaps they are the superstars now."
Heidi: "WHAT. EVER. You have told me I've fallen from grace the last fifteen boardrooms. Are you really that senile? Do you understand that we have this conversation every week? Am I meant to imply that, upon walking in here, I am actually a superstar every week, right until you tell me I'm not? Does that make sense to you?"

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Apprentice

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