Apprentice
Girls On Rollerskates

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Ten: After This Interview I'm Still Me

After, Trump is like, "Angela's great, I think that for no real reason because I never actually saw her be awesome, which she was but I don't know that for sure."

Ivanka: "Christ, it was like we were literally asking her for a single reason to fire somebody else, and she wouldn't do it. Um, actually, that's literally what we were doing and she couldn't do it. Not that success lies upon scapegoating somebody else, but she failed the 'I'm Awesome' test, and she failed the 'somebody else is not awesome' test, and those were the tests we gave her, so like..."

Outside, Angela processes her emotions into tears, and Kristine is crying too, and I believe it, in part because Heidi is not crying, and everybody hugs everybody else, including Nicole, and in the limo with her gorgeous smile she says the word "Olympics" one hundred times, because he's spent the last ten "weeks" forcing her to believe that's what she is, when the truth is -- beyond being a winner, which you can learn to be just as easily through a million other non-jock ways -- that being an athlete has nothing to do with this, so really, it's like he was telling her all along that she was going to lose, because the thing he was praising her for is like 10% of what it takes to win this game. And the really sad part is that this thing is like 1% or less of what Angela is, and all he did was tell her that wasn't true. And all she did was believe him. "As an Olympic gold medalist, and silver, and bronze medalist, it always hurts to lose." You didn't lose. Michelle can fix this. But the rest I actually really love and agree with: "Tonight I didn't win. But I learned so much in this process, and I know that when you lose, you actually learn more about yourself." I think this is very true, but I also think people that say it out loud are missing the point. It's a 20/20 hindsight thing: if somebody says this to you, in any context, assume they're halfway there and could possibly be crazy still; also probably they are a lesbian. "I won a gold medal, but I learned and grew more when I won a silver and bronze medal." Awesome, I'm really glad she said that because it's less formulaic and more awesome. She tells us she's okay with the fact that she lost tonight, and hopes that she'll "take from it" and "hopefully grow."

Which, in terms of lessons learned, puts us in a weird place. Because if you say that, you're not going to, because of how changing works. Maybe it's better we're in Cali, this season, because I've seen more of that in CA than anywhere else: if you say it's a growing experience, it doesn't hurt. Now, I don't think losing on this gaywad game show should be a "hurtful" experience, but on the other hand if you're going to call it that, fucking get hurt. Those words are like a crucifix in a vampire movie: "Everything happens for a reason," "God has a plan for everybody." They're the opposite of feeling it. Sometimes you are better off not feeling it, like when people start saying that shit to you because you have cancer or miscarry: at that point, who you need to get pissed at today is God. The plan is for tomorrow, and the day after that. But today, hurt. Change feels like dying because it is. You hung your hopes on something stupid: everybody does that every day, Angela. Please claim something from this experience besides some deferred lesbian Everything Happens -- you deserve better than that. The fact is that the whole process fucked you up, and you realized you weren't as comfortable with people as you thought, and you weren't the salesperson you thought, and you weren't the bloodhound you thought. Those are awesome things to be and not be. One thing you didn't need to be is somebody other than Angela, and it kills me, because it seems like everybody here, even Frankie, even people not that egregious, have this idea that they're going to get legit, or stop being a jock or a princess or a basket case or whatever, change as a result of being on this show. Honey, you were going to do that anyway. Just get there.

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