Apprentice
Girls On Rollerskates

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Ten: After This Interview I'm Still Me

What Nicole Says: "Yes! I didn't want to leave! My boyfriend! Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, I have a boyfriend! We're split apart like Romeo and Juliet! It's so sad! Feeling sorry for me is the same thing as thinking I'm a good person! This is good TV!"

What Trump Says: "So, they must hate you and think you're the weak link?"
What Trump Means: "So, they must hate you and think you're the weak link?"

What Nicole Hears: "So, they must hate you and think you're the weak link?"
Nicole: "That's what I thought too. We are both retarded the same way."

Trump: "So, Tim, how'd you feel about losing Nicole?"
Tim: "I feel... like she's sitting right over there?"

Nicole laughs ruefully about losing Tim forever to the team sitting five yards to her right and agrees with Tim that this is not ideal. Trump gets bored and starts talking about the Grauman's Theatre forever. Now, I have never been to L.A. But I was lucky enough to go last night to see Grindhouse at the Paramount in Austin, and there are fifty identical shoutouts to Austin in that movie, and it's everything I fucking hate about Austin at that, and every fucking time anybody said the word "Austin" or "Guero's" or "Chili Parlor" or the word "lake" or toked a joint or drove by anything whatsoever in a car, on the streets, and the buildings alongside, the screaming would start. And OMG with the Rollergirls, which if you don't know what those are, picture if Nicole had a self-hating androgynous baby with a stupid haircut and a deep desire to please men by becoming one, while still hating them. And of course they were screaming the whole goddamn time and stepping on the people's lines, and I was like, "This is completely how Austin actually is. Thanks for ruining everything, Tarantino." Goes to figure he'd be into fucking every single one of those godawful aspects of life here. And it's like, how long do you have to live here before you cut that shit out? Before the word "Austin" stops being about you and starts being just another word that does not cause you to scream and act the fool? Like "equity," or "anapestic foot," or "actuary." When was the last time somebody said "equity" in a movie and you shit yourself drunkenly while screaming "WOO!" because you were so proud of, like, that you heard that word and knew what it meant? I feel like I've lived here a billion years and yet I don't remember ever being particularly excited about the prospect of somebody admitting the existence of Hippy Hollow. So that's what Grauman's makes me think of, sorry: Like how embarrassing to think about living in L.A., and having to deal with the tourist idea of L.A., and then having to look at it again and go, "No, the tourists are actually kind of right. That makes me gross."

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Apprentice

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