Apprentice
Hero Worship

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Chronic Fa-Tiegs Syndrome

Cue La Danse Grandiose du Trump! It's time for another season of The Celebrity Apprentice! Trump exits his limo and bloviates about the millions of money earned by previous seasons. I basically tuned this part out, though I'm pretty sure Trump may have taken credit for inventing the wheel and orchestrating world peace before segueing to the intros.

This season's contestants include Master Illusionist Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller; pop icon Debbie Gibson; comedian and "Internet trailblazer" Adam Carolla, who gets a 2.5 more seconds of screen time for admitting, apropos of nothing, "I lost my virginity in a [Buick] Regal"; Miss Universe 2008 Dayana Mendoza; "late-night legend" Arsenio Hall, who will be soliciting donations from all Dog Pound alums, so get our your checkbooks, kids; movie star and Grammy winner (for Best Hawaiian Music Album, which is apparently a category?) Tia Carrere; rock star Dee Snider, who most definitely will not be blasting "We're Not Gonna Take It" during any challenges; that lady from the Comedy Central Roasts Lisa Lampanelli; American Chopper handlebar mustache enthusiast Paul Teutul, Sr.; actress (Marta from Arrested Development!) and philanthropist Patricia Velásquez; best-selling author, hair extension hoarder, breeder of Pauly D lookalikes, and the lady who saved Joey's dog statue from Friends from obscurity (seriously, what is that thing doing in this intro shot?) Victoria Gotti; Indy car racing legend Michael Andretti; vanguard supermodel (just don't tell Janice Dickinson) Cheryl Tiegs; American Idol first-loser-of-season-2 Clay Aiken, who is determined to destroy any Velvet Teddy Bears that come across his path; defenseless animal owner, former P. Diddy trick, and "singer" Aubrey O'Day; The Incredible Hulk and I Love You, Man star Lou Ferrigno; the Real Housewife who turned table flipping into a lucrative practice -- and an art, really -- Teresa Giudice; and Star Trek icon, out-and-proud gay, and kick-ass tweeter George Takei. Whew! So many contestants! So much looseness with hyperbole! Two minutes in, and I'm exhausted already!

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Apprentice

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