Hollywood Walk Of Shame

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Lesson Three: Finite & Infinite Games

Tim's mic goes wild and starts squealing, causing most of the eardrums to immediately burst; most people are glad because they don't have to try and decipher Michelle's crazy talk anymore. "It was the mic situation," he says in interview, looking entirely too hot, "that caused me to feel dread and true misery." The microphone screams some more and it sounds like Nicole. "And we had an hour and 28 minutes to go." Everybody hurts from the screeching. As they pass the Chateau Marmont, which Tim pronounces really weirdly, he goes on a trippy little Michelle journey of his own. "This is the location where the legendary John Belushi passed away after ingesting a speedball full of drugs and overdosed." Cut to sixteen little kids on the bus, staring; one beautiful mom's eyes bug out. In interview, he blushes -- and this is either really funny, or super fucking canny to where he's like a terrifying Dr. Will of a player -- and admits he probably should have left the Belushi trivia out, or at least the heroin part. "Dad, what's a speedball?" he laughs. I can't tell if he's doing it on purpose and lying in the post interview or what, and it's driving me nuts. The mic continues to scream.

Team Aaron: JULIA ROBERTS does not have a STAR ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME! He screams about this for awhile; Stefani interviews that she was awfully confused about what the hell he was talking about. She finally takes the mic and jokes with him about his caffeination and how he has nothing to say but keeps talking, and they joke about it, and he still can't shut up, but the crowd responds. The music starts to sound like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, and everybody falls in love with her. They pass the Roosevelt, she talks about the Oscars; they pass the Magic Castle, she tells them a hundred fascinating facts about the Magic Castle. It's really neat to watch. In interview, Aaron's still obviously impressed by this, talking about how she was able to digest an "unbelievable amount of information" about the places, and if you didn't know better, her brilliant and professional delivery would have you believe she's been doing these tours for twenty years. It's a really neat moment; Aaron on the bus smiles around the corner as she points out the balcony from Vivian's apartment in Pretty Woman, which is probably the coolest thing you could possibly point out to me personally, because that is still one of my favorite movies of all time. In an interview, she admits that she basically bailed James out completely, and on the bus there's basically a riot in celebration of Stefani and her magical nature.

Team Michelle: "How about yelling?" asks Tim, dropping the awful microphone and launching into a long speech about Hollywood Boulevard and how there are stars on it and what the symbols inside them mean and how maybe you've heard about Hollywood but do you know all about Hollywood Boulevard, and seeming to be only a little boring but kind of a mini-Stefani in terms of his competence. Except, of course, for the fact that they're not on Hollywood Boulevard, they're on Sunset, and I don't know how many hours he talked before he realized that and shut up. In interview, he admits that this could possibly be because they're on zero sleep. The people are bored and feeling lied to. Michelle's final word: "There were some people on the bus that were...certainly not angry...I think they felt for us? They had some...sympathy?" If she were saying this in a self-deprecating or deadpan way, it would be the funniest line ever uttered on this show, but she's being totally sincere. This is what the show has done to her: "They didn't hit me in the face or throw garbage, so that's good."

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