Intriguing Theoretical Question: You've just won The Apprentice. What are you going to do now?
A. Call my family and apologize
B. Get started on that Trumporg project I was promised but never seems to materialize.
C. Dish with Ivanka.
D. Bizarrely, my life has not changed in any substantial way!
Credits, then morning in L.A.: Stefani outside and Derek inside answer the phone to hear that they're meeting at the Loews Hotel on Santa Monica Beach at 0830, even though Kinetic isn't participating. Derek writes something down, but I don't know why. Yes, I do: he's a lawyer and he's conditioned to take notes and often doesn't even realize he's doing it. Quick back-and-forth between Kinetic having leisurely coffee and getting cute, and Arrow's disgusting camp: Frank spitting, Nicole getting in the shower, Aaron tending the fire and shaving using his reflection in the mansion's glass door. That image is particularly heartbreaking. Aaron explains that it's "becoming the separation between the Haves and Have Nots," whatever the hell that means, and James bitches about not having any hot water. Aaron, looking delightful in the morning as usual, explains that it's not so much sleeping outside that's the problem, but getting up in the morning and stepping into cold puddles and wanting a hot shower that will never come. The gross plastic sinks have fallen into disuse and are going moldy. These people. Aaron talks about how the Trump lifestyle has been denied him, yet "dangles" tantalizingly before his very nose. How vivid. Michelle interviews that A) she's fucked and B) they are all getting delirious and crazy, and that if they don't get into that house soon, they are going to lose it. Too late!
Beach footage, to the hotel, where Trump is making small talk with some kind of hotel employee, and he's got Ivanka and DJ both with him this week. I guess Heidi's perks don't include Viceroying this one. Too bad, that could have been awesome. All the Have Nots are wearing dark, depressing, Have Notty clothes that smell bad; Kinetic is a riot of sumptuous and vibrant color that smells like dryer sheets and is cashmere-soft to the touch. Trump jokes about "Kinetic! What are you doing here!" and then sends them off -- in front of Arrow, of course -- for a day of spa treatments and pampering and luxury, all of which will be faked up on camera. My luxurious spa treatment: the angry, sad, jealous faces of Arrow. That is equal to three hot-stone massages and a full pedicure, for me personally. Let's watch it again. Awwww. "I'm seeing too much of you, you're losing too much!" Two separate statements with which I agree, and then Trump threatens that he's about to split them into two teams which will then dogfight. So Arrow is losing this week, no matter what, just as we thought. That bites. Everybody gets worried that they'll have to be on a team with Michelle, because they've managed to drive each other nuts with the Michelle thing and now it's just part of consensual reality that she sucks in some unspecific way. He asks if anybody wants to step up and be one of the two PMs, and Michelle stares silently. Speak, Michelle. Do this right now. Do it! Nothing. Aaron volunteers and Trump finally calls on Michelle, daring her basically to be the other PM. You can almost see the producer whispering into his ear. I hate this show now, it's so cheap and silly and you can see all the seams and where they're stooping to create drama. Of course she takes him up on the offer -- interviewing that he totally cornered her into taking the position -- in a weird-ass way of talking, and they start picking teams.