Multiple Choice: Choose the best theme for a Hollywood Tour.
A. I'm sure my PM is capable of coming up with an idea just vague and pointless enough to shoot herself in the foot. I'll go with that.
B. Whatever's classy. What part of L.A. looks the most like Vegas? Let's do that. I like fountains and large fake plants, and am especially excited by the outward signifiers of wealth, because they make me imagine that those things are possible without graduating high school.
C. Sights and sounds inspired by the 1991 Bret Ellis novel American Psycho? Or scary bloody murders all over the place?
D. SOMETHING BIG! SOMETHING SEXY! SOMETHING WITH CHEERLEADERS!
E. What did Tim say? I'll go with that.
F. You know what, let me wing it. I am a human encyclopedia of all knowledge and I've got some time to kill before I put on more cheap makeup.
G. I just really think we should do something that has with the spirit of the county and the beach, you know, fresh air and the freedom of to do what you want in an environment without having to be politicking and playing the game, in a weird way.
Answer Key: Give yourself one point for A, two points for B, et cetera.
1. Congratulations! You're a Tim. Don't let anybody catch on, or you're fired.
2. Okay! You're a Frank, or as the boys down at the site call you, "Frankie Suits." People are often surprised by the depth and tenderness of your emotions, because you spend a lot of time screaming your head off in a trashy way. You're like a Cadbury's Egg of sweetness, though, and they're missing out.
3. Well, great! You're an Aaron. Don't let anybody see your secret dark side!
4. Fabulous! You're a James and I need you to calm down a great deal.
5. Let's try that again!
6. Good work! You're a Stefani -- or a "Stefanie," as they call you in the wild -- and I think you're my hero.
7. Well done, my friend. Consider yourself too good for this game, but even more so, really ill-suited to it.
Team Aaron sends James off with a phone to take a tour and he reminds them to pick good landmarks, so as to offer them the best chance at "colorful commentary" on the tour itself. No worries. Stefani lets us know he's also going to survey the tourmates to see how they can improve on the basic setup. We immediately see one thing: the bus driver/tour guide, who's like...I always thought that like the worst possible thing would be to stay up late with Michael Keaton. You know? Like if he got really coked up and you suddenly realized everybody else had gone home or was asleep, and you were suddenly the sherpa for this, the kind of fear that you would feel. "Well, it's 0200 hours and Beetlejuice just came back from the bathroom sniffling. I don't know how I'm going to get through this." And the reason this is so horrible to contemplate is because at around 0400, he's going to keep going and talking, but he's going to be out of steam and he won't know it, but his mouth will keep going, and when it does he will sound and act exactly like this bus driver. Who may well be Michael Keaton on a bender, I couldn't tell you, although it seems not entirely impossible. So he makes these schizoid faces and bad jokes about toupees and how the celebrities that live on such-and-such street hate the star tours and how they love him, the bus driver, "like a ruptured spleen" and he makes a weird, unmoving laugh face like Fire Marshal Bill and it's just like you think. Just bullshit down to the very core of itself. And James is like, Step One: no this guy. "Distasteful jokes," he says in interview, and then discusses with a very pretty girl how nice it would be if she had some Perrier (gross) to quench her classy thirst. Perrier is the Gucci of water: some rich European laughing and saying, "I dare you to like this." Is this season actually like something they discovered in the vaults? "What did you do this weekend?" Went to Spago, drank some Perrier. "How classy! Did you see Knots Landing this week? Michael Keaton was really good."
Aaron says on the phone that they are going with "Perrier and popcorn," which is somehow hilarious, and meanwhile Kinetic is being boring and luxurious. Marisa assumes this totally bizarre, hilarious voice, like she's doing her own impression of Shamu as a cartoon maÃ®tre d'hÃ´tel: "How...are the mojitos?" Everybody laughs hysterically, in several discontiguous edits, and they get massages and Heidi continues to look hot and it seems like every single female member of Kinetic has about six tattoos on her legs for some reason, and Marisa interviews -- as we watch them sleeping by the pool -- about how this time off is not going to slow them down, because they're feeling very strong and positive. I think the show's trying to set up some kind of thing later where Michelle should let the team sleep, but it also makes her team look like dickless freaks, so I don't know. Mixed narrative messages.