Apprentice
Ice Cream Of Genie

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Four: Strap It Back

When I catch sight of Melissa in the credits, I scream a little. Also, Adam's teeth are pretty radioactive too, but it works better on him than Mark, because he has skin like a newborn. Because he is a newborn.

Marshawn answers the phone to Rhona, who is wearing an insane baby-blue jacket with crocheted trim and her tits hanging out. It's awesome. Marshawn can't see it, and it's very early in the morning, and Marshawn is beautiful, but looks like total ass in the morning. Josh does not. Jennifer is wearing a gigantic baby-blue scarf, like down to her knees, and Alla's wearing a crazy horizontal-striped black and white cloth ankle-length jacket. I love how she dresses like Buffy's stripper grandma all the time.

Trump and the Viceroys meet some guys from DQ in the ice cream place in Trump Tower. There's some grotty fake dialogue about how the DQ Guys would love to set up shop in the Trump Tower, but Trump tells them they can when they start paying him rent. How does the ice cream place survive paying rent in Trump Tower? I bet it's one of those "Melania loves ice cream" things. Except: taster spoons only, and then maybe purging. And the blood of virgins. (Watch out, Adam!)

Trump screams at the candidates about the Amazing Trump Tower Ice Cream Parlor I've Never Heard Of and how thousands of people eat Trump Ice Cream and it's their only source of sustenance and they're all Iron Man Triathletes and they can fly, and then introduces this week's exec judges: Dairy Queen's Michael Keller, CBO (the "B" is for "Brand"), and Aric Nissen, VP for Product and Brand Marketing. Remember this, because the two execs we're dealing with are all about branding. I know I go on and on about Trump's indoor voice, but Jesus. He shrieks insanely about how DQ is the NUMBER ONE ICE CREAM RETAILER IN THE U.S. and THE BLIZZARD IS THEIR NUMBER-ONE BRAND and IT DOES THREE QUARTERS OF A BILLION DOLLARS IN SALES ANNUALLY. Trump's like the human equivalent of email spam: WHY LET THE WORLD IN ON YOUR INTIMATE DETAILS? I looked it up, and they were coming up on 5,900 franchises two years ago, and that surprised me, because I didn't think anybody knew what Dairy Queen was. Remember Dennis the Menace? Man.

So the task is to work with a costume designer and create a new "character" and promotional design. The winning team will be the one with the most original character that best represents the brand. It's literally vanilla ice cream, I'll say that right now: I don't envy them. Tom Cruise walks in and drops off $5000 dollars for Brooke Shields's medical expenses, and Trump reminds us that of course Randal is exempt from the Boardroom this week. The camera kind of gleefully focuses on Rebecca, Toral, and Felisha as Trump reminds us that nobody else is safe. Especially Toral. He doesn't actually say that, but then, he doesn't have to, because clearly she's getting eliminated this week. What he does do, though, is fix Toral with a gimlet eye and simply say, "Toral: I think you...have more talent than you've been letting on. So you'd better start shaping up." She nods and equivocates, because whatever "stepping up" actually is, she's allergic to it.

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Apprentice

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