Apprentice
Ice Cream Of Genie

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Four: Strap It Back

In the midst of a whirling brainstorm, Felisha's spazzing out about how "We are the demographic!" but I don't know what she means. I guess most of them are small southern-towners. With the exception of Tooooral, of course, who is from the Principality of the Awesomosity of Greater Pretentia. Marshawn offers a spoon character: "Call him 'Scooper.'" I would call him "Spooner" and have him talk about Quairy Deen all the time, but it's a red-state world. Everybody says crazy words like "Spin. Spinning. Spinner. Spinner? Spinrius Rucker? Spurricane? Spinderello? Spinneret? Spindiplodocus?" and finally somebody decides to put Operation DUMBO Drop into effect, and asks Toral her ideas.

"Blizzard Blister?" Tasty. "Blizzard Booster?" Blizzard Ombudsman? "Boost-Off?" I'm June Allyson for Boost-Off… Felisha tells us that Toral was a "non-factor" from the start, and that her comments tend to be "completely off-track." She continues: "Blizzard bumblebee?" Kristi doggedly notes everything down on the butcher paper. "…Blizzamarole?" Everybody stares. "What did you say?" "Blizzamarole." They all laugh. "Yeah. [Look it up, I think she says.] Blizzamarole." Kristi looks troubled. It's ridiculous, but only because it's impossible to say, spell, or enjoy. Rebecca is asked for her list: "Zip. Zam. Zoom." Everybody loves "Zip." Alla likes it because it is short and quick and to the point, because in Soviet Russia, the trains run you on time. Jennifer goes off on how "Zip" is going to be totally cute and have "personality" and "big eyes and lips" and a spoon, and he'll have a magic backpack containing all the Blizzard ingredients and he'll "just zip it all together." I love Jennifer because, like, that's what would make her buy things: a giant milkshake with big cute eyes that just zips around and cheers people up! Toral asks if that isn't a little "goofy," and Carolyn watches silently. Somebody -- I'm guessing Kristi -- is like, "Duh, it's supposed to be?" Like, how delicious would a giant, erudite Byronic milkshake be, all rambling emotionally over blasted heaths and smoking a pipe in stentorian libraries. With a zippy little clubfoot. Gimme!

Jennifer asks them to put the Dairy Queen logo on Zip's t-shirt, and Alla is really opposed to the idea. Jennifer interviews about how as a former beauty queen, she's used to people underestimating her all the time. I bet that's true, because not only is she not so "former" in her beauty queen-ness, but also because she's not constantly pushing herself to the front of the stage screaming about how brilliant she is with her shirt pulled up over her giant brain like some people, Toral. Felisha asks -- like it's random -- that Marshawn, Toral and Rebecca stay behind to do...something...and she and the Bloven will be meeting the design guys. Carolyn looks so incredibly beautiful as she tells us how these three are being left out of some kind of weird group vibe, and I think she's right, but I also think that: Marshawn can take care of herself, and also tends to vanish anyhow; Rebecca is like a wolverine and will do whatever you want, and do it well, all the while feeding and diapering Toral with the other hand; and I wouldn't take Toral cow-tipping.

In the shuttle, the Bloven are enjoying the Zip sketch. Kristi's getting hyped and goggle-eyed about the concept of teamwork all, "Everybody added something," and for once she's being cool, and then Felisha snorts: "Well, everybody in this van," and even Kristi's like, "Yeah well, you know." She looks away, out the window, because she's not completely on board with this random potshot, which isn't even true. The thing here is that Felisha feels like she's finally in the girl's club for real, with Jennifer W. gone, and so she is just getting in there and bitching like Kristi and Alla sometimes do, but like, she's the only one laughing. If we have learned one tiny thing from Judy Blume, it's this: you are not the Heather that grows back. Those are born, not made. And certainly not made by being a gaping hole of insecurity. I like Felisha just fine, but this moment was a total dick move, and just shows she's not really Bloven material. If you have to think about it, and if you're so aching for approval that you commit a fuckup like that, you're just...Blubber. And that will bite you in the yoyo-dieting, acne-stricken ass every time.

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Apprentice

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