Trump makes a rather porny reference to having just "extended Bill" (hee), and Bill grins, and…wow, he has aged a billion years. His face is suddenly all skinny and pointy. It's like all the fluid has drained out of it or something, and his teeth look funny, and his hair is too square, and…Boyfriend Bill, what have they done to you? Bill tries his hardest to say it like a ten-dollar hooker -- I mean, "West Point cadet" -- when he insists that he "had a great year." And he's learned a lot, et cetera. Boyfriend Bill is asked for his opinion on the remaining candidates. He says that they should both be honored to be here. He tells Tana that he thinks she's a "hustler," which is oddly appropriate, but that to lead people successfully, you kind of can't ridicule them constantly, because you have to "bring out the best" in them. Kelly, over on the other side, makes a face and mocks Trump, all, "Nyah, nyah, 'say it like a West Point cadet.'" At least that's what's happening in the version playing in my head. Tana jumps in to insist that her team was very motivated, and they think she was "a great enthusiast." She insists that it wasn't a "Tana task," it was a "Net Worth/Street Smarts task." So don't listen to the part where she declared right after it was over that she did the whole thing herself. She totally didn't mean it. "I still don't think your team likes you very much," Trump says. "Why don't you ask them, Mr. Trump?" Tana chirps, thinking this is in the bag. He says he's going to. But not before a commercial. We must have a commercial! What do you think this is, a marathon? Trump is made of flesh and blood, people. Flesh and blood! (And space-age polymers.)
When we return, Trump explains that he has "over a hundred companies," but there are two from which the ladies -- and I do mean ladies -- will be choosing. And they'll be picking before they know who wins. The first company is Miss Universe, which Trump calls "one of [his] favorite enterprises." I'll bet. Anyway, so this is the Beauty Pageant job. The other job is renovating a giant mansion in Florida, with Trump not even saying what the mansion is ultimately for. His personal residence? Hard to say. So that's the Decorating job. Jesus Christ. I'm not saying those aren't both huge jobs, because they totally are, and it's totally dick to devalue a corporate job in fashion or -- actually -- makeup, just because it's in fashion or makeup. It doesn't mean they're actually lesser jobs. HOWEVER. All of a sudden, we have two women in the final, and now it's a choice between a beauty pageant and a "remodel" of a fancy-schmancy hideaway? That's a coincidence? I don't believe it. Where's the job with the hardhat? Oh, right. There isn't one. Because girls don't like to get their fingernails dirty. These assholes.
So we first go to Tana. Which job would she take? "Absolutely the Miss Universe pageant, without a doubt," she says. Bleh. She would. She applauds for herself like a seal. Is it over yet? When Trump goes over to Kendra, she is equally certain that she would take the mansion. Real estate is her thing, the property is in Florida…not even close. She also refers to what a good "transition into the Trump organization" it would be for her. Trump calls this "very good." Seriously, is it over?